Wednesday, January 28, 2009

WHy now?

Why write now?

I have time. Although wiped from the visit, I may, by all senses, actually be fine and still living and breathing, and, am not dieing tomorrow or even the next day. So why start writing about it? Why the sense of urgency?

When someon first hears news of this sort (and granted, this isn't "new" news for me) they have saveral choices. They can resort to a wonderful, funfilled tool called denial. It keeps things light, fun and oblivious. It also has side effects including missed oportunity (with loved ones), regrets, and keeps one out of focus (of what they really want to do.

Another choice someone has is to face this news head on. By binging on this news for w hile, people can ultimately come to the acceptance stage (only after much negotiating, bargaining etc.).

Then there are those that are controllers. I am very much one of those. We take this type of news, analyze, try and figure it out and then make a plan of action. I've already thoughts running through my head about what kind of work to do, how to split up my time, prioritizing goals etc. I could honestly say that this is how's I've operated most of my life. I had no control over my health so I dared to control everything around me.

Ok, so in the end, I still come back to this question: If I'm not going to croak tomorrow (or even next year if I can help it) then why write. Why not? The Cancer Journals were not written in one day, Grace and Grit was not written in one day.

My reasons include, being well enough now. The thoughts come (and boy do they ever flood after receiving news like that) and a book starts some where.

In a sense I'm lucky, I know to savour everything now. I know to record, write, live, say what I need to say. Sure, I don't know when or how, but I do know some things for certain. It is on that information that I must write. It helps. It may depress me and others however it also reminds me of what is important. Alright, if I'm not going to see my wife graduate, what kind of time do I want to spend with her. If I will not have a 30 year secure career with the government, then what is it I really want to do now and will I be able to do it well.

Writing battles denial.

Writing organizes and clarifies things while living with an unclear (heart)beat.