Sunday, February 1, 2009

A ticking time bomb

Today I have this great urgency to clean. I want to clean after myself; all unfinished projects, all unneeded items, all superfluous things. Then I look at those things, the plants that need re-potting, the carpet that needs vacuuming and I wonder what it's all about. Why have plants around the house? What's the use or the point.

And then I realize my newest emotion: I am angry!

I, am terrified. I am not ready. I am young.

I am in the middle of stuff. I have projects yet to finish. I have a busy mind - but a very, very tired heart.

Some days I feel normal - like I'm able to finish projects, go to work, teach, enjoy people's company and life itself, and then there are days I can't get out of bed - and it's not even depression's fault, it's my body.

It's not my body that's betraying me, it's my mind.

My heart is only doing what it's been doing for ages, deteriorating, enlarging slowly. Soon it will be so large it will just...well. That is what is causing all of this turmoil, now isn't it.