Friday, February 20, 2009

hungry for more

I haven't written (or more accurately posted some of my writings) because I've been very emotional - angry actually. I haven't wanted to use this blog as a dumping ground for my anger so I've been trying to work through it on my own. The problem is I can't even pinpoint anything specific about the anger. It's all over the place. Some days it almost blows me over like the cold strong wind that snapped me into stillness this afternoon. It was really windy today when I went out for lunch. I don't actually go anywhere as I pack my own lunch but I make it a point to go outdoors just to breath fresh air, enjoy the sunshine. This wind was so strong I felt like the only way I wouldn't be blown over was if I turned my back on it and stood still until it passed. Sorta like how I deal with anger sometimes. It kept blowing and I was getting no where. I had to go back to work as my "break" was over. The wind, like my anger would not let me move. It all but paralyzes me some days.
It clouds my gratitude and appreciation of life's blessings and life itself.

The past week I've been moving stuff around in the basement (searching for old canvas, stretchers bars etc. and all I have managed to feel was great anger and sadness over how much stuff I have. Amongst the bright cobalt blue suitcases, tightly wrapped camping gear and the bright turquoise swimming ring from Mexico I felt like I was purging and packing for another move/trip that I'm not going to return from. I know I shouldn't be preoccupied about what will happen "after". I know that all this thinking is about my need to control things and outcomes however I can't seem to shake it this week. I am planted firmly on the ground so I won't blow over and the anger is raging against my thin fragile body anyway. I have a never-ending list of things to to so that the Wife won't have to do it all. I have unread books that I've given up on reading because I feel like there is no point to reading them. So I learn more about how creativity heals? So I learn more Hebrew? So I learn more about ancient art? This won't mean anything when I leave this planet. If someone else were making these comments, I would take it as suicidal ideations. I assure you it's not. I want to live, live long and live with joy and love. I can experience joy and love, but not longevity.

Which brings me to another observation I had this week. I was pressing the walk-signal button on my way to work when a young girl probably no more than 10 or 12 came up behind me on her scooter (those skateboard things with handles) and started pressing into it. I heard her call the walk-light button all sorts of expletives. It was a beautifully sunny day and I was feeling moments of joy (the anger does not like sunshine you see). I thought to myself, if you're only that age and already stressing over such a silly thing as a long traffic light, what kind of crotchety angry lady are you going to be. Life's too short.

I think everyone should have a countdown clock of some sorts just to remind them that this moment (or whatever moment you're experiencing) will never happen again. Ever.

Cherish it.

When I was in France there were many exhibitions and landmarks that I couldn't get to. I didn't have the time. Well I did, but traveling is hard on my body (at any age or stage) and in France everyone smokes and barely anything is "accessible". (The hostel I stayed in was a 4 story walk-up, centuries old steep and long stair cases. When I called to book and make sure that it had un ascenseur they confirmed in the positive. I learned later on that rare a technological thing like an elevator works in France. And that it usually takes weeks to fix things there.) Had I chosen to forgo rest and sleep I would have been able to see more, do more. Back then I believed I had plenty of time left. I was in my early 30s and anything seemed possible. I had entered new ground as far as my cardiac team was concerned. I was sleeping less than a kilometer from the Louvre, the Mona Lisa, of course anything was possible. Returning to see it again was possible.

Now as time passes even faster than usual, I can almost envision the sands slip away through the hourglass of time. It's not a painting I want to create. It's almost the end of February. Time passes too quickly, especially when the count is on. Even when I try to forget, let denial do it's job, I get jolted back into reality. My cardiac NP calls me more than my own mother, this time to talk over a new drug that costs more than what I make a month - much more. This drug is supposed to help regulate Pulmonary Hypertension, you know, the shortness of breath, headaches (not enough O2 to the the brain), and weasing. Sounds good? Get this the side effects include shortness of breath, headaches, weasing, gasping, liver damage (these meds require bi-weekly blood tests), kidney failure, edema, .... yes, everything that I already have then some! Can we say guinea pig!? Yes, I'm still going to meet with her, eventually.
I want to be able to enjoy the time I have left, not confined to a bed 24/7. I may love and identify with Frida's (Kahlo) work, but I am not her! Not yet!

for now though, I've been enjoying people more, the milder weather and of course food. I don't know where I'll go in the next lifetime but the food better be good and plentiful! I can't promise to write home about it though.