Saturday, February 7, 2009

a new reality

I've had a pretty good past few days - pretty good in my world means feeling normal (not healthy, but not ill). The weather has been helping immensely. The mild winter weather allows me to get to work, breath and most importantly, feel my limbs/extremities. I think the desired effects of the phlebotomy are also kicking in.

Of course, I have my tired and pain-filled moments. At Kabbalat Shabbat tonight I couldn't sing. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I never realized before how much energy the body expends simultaneously singing, snapping fingers and smiling. That's a lot of energy. Keeping up with a melody in Hebrew is a lot of energy folks. To add, it was also the end of a workday/work-week. This meant that I didn't have much extra energy to begin with so it was no wonder that I crawled out of the end of services (never mind the fact that I had to sit during the Amidah).

Aside from those moments, I feel like any other normal living person. Until I realize that "palliative" and signing DNR forms become part of my vernacular. I mean, who goes around using language like that pertaining to themselves? It gets tiring, especially when I think to myself, "ya, but I'm not going anywhere yet!"

I had some good friends over for Shabbat dinner tonight, and towards the end of the dinner, besides dessert, out came my photo album of my university and pre-university years. After the laughs of the big glasses and clunky shoes, once they left, I took the albums for a closer look. I went through them again this time reminding myself what every one's been up to now (and thanks to Facebook I know). As I flipped the pages thinking about J that just gave birth to her second child, or M's child is now about 5, or S&A just got married, I couldn't help reflecting how everyone is is the prime of their lives. They are either established in their careers or are starting families and have much to look forward to. There's so much ahead of them. So much fun, laughter and love. Then I look at pictures of myself knowing that any thoughts of career are waffing out the window. As everyone greets new life into their families, I'm wrapping up mine.

I'm not ready for this reality.