Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Ugh, more anger and frustration ahead:
I am having a hard time shaking it, creating peace and living in serenity. I know that acceptance is a long way's off. I know that sometimes I will experience moments of acceptance and serenity in what's going on with my health. I know too that in the end, I will hopefully be in a state of peace with the knowledge that I'm being cared for by some greater force.

But for now, I'm so not there.
The myriad of details of daily living on this planet can make anyone insane. The details of preparing for the end is currently what's making me very upset. For some unknown reason, I started looking for/at burial options, mainly plot selection. I received some information/advice that suggested that I should buy before-hand and not leave it until the last moment. Well after getting off of the phone and Internet searches I now have a better idea of why one shouldn't wait until the end. The cost for a piece of ground is astronomical. Don't even get me started on the choices: Jewish cemetery, or non-denominational cemetery with Jewish burial (non of that cement around the coffin)? Single plot or double? Do my parents have a family spot? Do I want a monument or a simple marker? Green burial (Jewish burials are pretty green) or cremation? (I know, as a Jew cremation is a big no no, but the cost of land is out of my reach). I am so confused. I don't want to be in a cemetery all alone but my wife is not Jewish. Maybe she will move back to BC when this is all said and done. Why should I tie her remains to here. And being alone? I tell myself how irrational it is considering I won't even be alive. My soul will have left my body already. I won't be alone, I'll have the worms and dirt.
But the cost. It's the cost I keep coming back to because it's something that needs to be done. It's not like I can be buried out back (although I don't know why since this is my property and all).
Alright, so I don't have to think of it right away. I now have some prices and ideas as a starting point. I can file away that information and start saving.

Easier said than done.

I went to my family's for dinner tonight. It's one of my (fave) sibling's birthday. I enjoyed hearing about their plans for their wedding anniversary this weekend. I didn't even mind hearing about the Aries' plans for her birthday. But then, out came that anger, well not out, but keeping me warm under all my layers. My ears had tunnel-sound: all I could hear was their thousand dollar trips to Vegas and Santa Barbara respectively and all I could think of was the 3-4 grand I don't have for some 6 foot piece of land. I'm not jealous that they have a lifestyle where they can just take off for a weekend. I don't really care. I'm happy they can do this - they've worked hard for it.
I am angry at the bigger picture, at poverty, at society's need to capitalize on death of all things.
I am pissed that something like burial or at least disposition of a body costs so freakin much. Everyone dies but not every can afford to. I just don't understand a society that charges for something as essential as disposing of a body.