Sunday, March 1, 2009

I spent the weekend in Montreal. I used to live there and as a result still ahve some very good friends from my old life. Living only 2 hours away I've managed to keep up my friendships by visiting monthly or every second month for up till the past year. In 2008 I made it to Montreal only 2 times, 3 at the most.

This is not acceptable.

Visiting this weekend brought about much saddness. There are those going through many painful life events. My heart has ached for them.

I know I wrote about how the passing of time can be defined in a variety of ways. Whether by hours, days, months, moons or seasons, time passes and it's passing is counted, marked. My visiting to Montreal mark more time passing. This fall will mark my official leave from the city of love, bagels, fashion, beautiful people and beautiful buildings. Ten years. Ten years is a long time. Things change, people move on. Life goes on. Friends go through life events: births, deaths, divorces, losses upon losses and change. Some change positive, some not so much. All that time is really about living and life. It's about being there when you can and forgiving when you can't. But in all this time there's that sense that although further away we're still there for each other.

And we are.

But driving home, into the setting sun, I know that these visits are very precious. Even if I'm able to increase my visits to once a month again, like the moon count, there too won't be many left.

I'm not trying to be morbid on purpose. I sat up with a friend, a buddhist-meditator friend, who decided to tell me to practice non-attachment. I get that I'm attached right now. I get that I'm very much attached to my emotions, my anger, my disappointment, my friendships. My life. Yes, I'm attached to my life. I'm not nearly as unattached as my friend it. I'm very happy she's fursther along in her practice but you know I'm just not there (yet). And no, I'm not justifying my attachement by suggesting that I'm alowed to be because I'm concluding my life. I know that many people go through lots of terrible trauma's and losses. I get htat. I get that she's going through a very very difficult life changing time right now. I get that she could also make all sort of excuses for not practicing non-attachment. I get that practicing impermanance is something I *should* be doing. I'm not a Buddisht though. I know too that you don't ave to be - that you it's just a concept, not about a religion that I'm not. I know that everything in impermanent and that many people, friend shave had near-death experiences. I just spoke with another person this weekend who survived a very near death experience. Before that moment on that stretch of highway he had his whole life ahead of him. He is now more aware of how one moment you can be here, and the next gone.

I get impermanance. And that's why I'm angry. I don't want to end my friendships - I want them to go on. I don't want to end this all. I am having fun again. I have found joy again. I haven't been this happy since Montreal.

Not that my past 9 years here in Ottawa have been ick, but well, it took the first few years of isolation to accept just how depressing and lifeless Ottawa can be. In Montreal, joie-de-vivre was part of everyday life. When you did something, you did it with intention.

Eating, getting together, enjoying people's company and food were part fo the life blood of my life there. I've decided to combine those two aspects of my life again and started having more people over to share food since I can't afford to eat out (nor is it good for my health). I am allowing myself to experience more joy again, to be IN the moment. I have to work hard at it because I keep recycling the past and worrying about the future - and not even my future but that of those left behind. I know I am not responsible for anything after I leave, but I feel I am able to control ???? everything up until that point. I feel responsbile to take care and clean-up so that ...