Wednesday, April 15, 2009

"against the grain should be your way of life"

There's a song out by Nickleback that's had lots of radio air time - a little too repetitive actually. I don't normally listen to anything but CBC in the car however the wife often leaves the station on her chosen rock, pop etc. and it seems every time I use the car this song is playing.

It makes me mad and reflective, all the same time. First off, I don't normally listen to male vocalist music - I've always been a feminist and well, it's just me. But this song has some wisdom - trying to tell people to live life to the fullest I suppose. However, I used to know too many people that take that kind of thinking to the extreme and don't actually save for the future (uh, I'm guilty!) or do stupid crazy things all in the name of "living life to the fullest". People, there's no need to drive recklessly if it's your last day - you may actually make it someone else's last day.
Again, I digress.

Live against the grain -heh, anyone who knows me for more than 10 minutes knows this has been my motto - ingrained in me for much longer than I've been a vegetarian (20 years this year woohoo!). I'd argue it's been my motto since consciousness but since that can't be proven I'll not argue it.

For as much as I'm writing reflections of living with illness, I'm fairly private. Yes, this is out there for everyone to read but not everyone chooses to face it and I haven't actually spent time "talking" about this stuff. There's no time, there's always so much other stuff to focus on: projects for weddings, my art, all my jobs, juggling home time and friends, stuff that needs to get done around the house, etc. etc.. I admit that I am one to present a front and I like to think I'm very good at it. I divert questions of health unless absolutely necessary then answer with mechanical references. Like when I met with the NP today the details of the DNR were very practical. When we arrived home we started talking about it, the emotion tried to come out. So of course, I diverted. I had to go to another job almost immeidately. I only have very short opportunities to shed a tear and even then it's for less than a minute and I have to collect myself again, move on to the next task, job, conversation, activity. I have to stay in control. If I lose it, what good will I be. My family, friends and communities are going through their own shit, I don't need to bring up mine, that in the end only just bring people down. I know from other ill friends' experiences that I'm bound to lose people along the way. They won't know how to cope and drop out of my life.
Well, that's already started.
I already lost someone I thought could cope, someone I was close to for over 10 years - her last words to me were hurtful but understandable. That's what I got for emoting and being truthful about how scared or sad I am/was.

If I keep it all under wraps perhaps those who are still around will stay around. I have a therapist to deal with this grieving stuff. My friends are just that, friends not therapists. I want to enjoy life with them - not cry and be sad. That can be saved for... the few moments in the shower or when I'm alone in the car with the radio turned up so high I can't hear my own pain.