Sunday, April 5, 2009

jealousy just isn't it

I don't know what "stage" I'm going through anymore. At some moments I'm in complete denial (read: getting on with the business of living since I'm here already!). Other moments I'm totally angry that I have to re-map my life. All those dreams/goals I had I have to let go and think of new ones. I've been tied to them for so long that I don't want to think up new ones. Then some times I think if I just move to a climate that's temperate yet flat: no freezing lungs, no climbing hills either. Ah - northern Florida suites me fine.
The more I start thinking about this trip the more I wonder why I haven't sold the house and just set up camp to live out my last days there.
Then I realize something that's more important than palm trees, it's people. I love the people here very much. They are all very dear to me in as many ways as they are unique. I complain often how I'm far from those I love in Montreal, Fl would be, well, quite the distance!

I think this denial thing can be a good thing. I mean, really, I'm not dieing in the sense that I will be gone tomorrow. Everyone's dieing when you think about it. We suffer from something called life and mortality. I know of people right now who are losing people or have just lost people through all sorts of things (illness, suicide, "accidents", etc.). Some of these people have really big battles and some of them survive. They don't write - so what makes me think I'm so special that I should write?
Why do I think I should write?
I don't know - I honestly don't know at this point. I'm so confused with this business of living on the one hand, and living with a terminal illness (aside from life) on the other.
It's freaking confusing I tell ya what (yah, I like "king of the hill" so shoot me).

Some days I don't know what to do next (aside from wake up, shower, etc.). Some days I catch myself planning things. OK, some of the plans are not so far off in the future that I will probably be around to plant my garden, plan some paintings etc. Other days I have to keep myself from planning bigger things like that PhD I've really wanted.

I'm still very attached - not like my Buddhist aware friends. That's why I never could grasp Buddhism - for as unattached to the reality of not seeing 50 that I was, I am so very attached to living damn it! And I am very attached to seeing 40. It feels like if I just keep moving I can't stop. It won't stop. I've had that philosophy all my life. Whenever I couldn't keep up with people walking and talking (really, I can't have a conversation and walk at the same time, there's just not enough O2, but I do it anyway). When loved ones who clued in told me to slow down I would answer in the negative, because I knew that if I slowed down, I'd never keep going. It's like when someone tells you to sit down and you're afraid that if you do, you'll never be able to get back up. Except that I don't or can't.

I'm not complaining mind you.

I recently started working (like 2 hrs a week) for a gentleman with severe cerebral palsy. He inspires me. I'm just doing simple administrative things like typing emails etc. for him since he's a very busy professional and can't type as freely as your or me. I know I could be much worse, I could have 6 weeks to live. I could have no wife, I could have .... but I'm not comparing nor am I complaining.
I guess sometimes I still justify why and wonder who it is I'm justifying to.

I'm sad. That's what it boils down to. I am sad that the same emotions seems to recycle over and over. I could tell you what I'm sad about but I've written before, about the jealousy that others are in the prime of their lives, planning and managing their careers and family. Maybe it isn't sadness after all but jealousy - but it's not because that would mean there'd be specific people I'm jealous of. I'm not - it's all of you. All of you that have possibilities to do anything really. You can, if you want, have a 5 year, 10 year and 20 year plan for you homes, your jobs etc. I remember when we bought the house. We had those "plans". Now we can't do any of those things because we have both no money and no time. OK, I have no time. Those little (privacy) cedars I planted last summer, I won't see them mature. Those dwarf conifers - won't see them mature either. My step-son in college, won't see that either.

We're renting out our spare rooms right now, to students, in order to survive. My wife and I were going through things and I found my beautifully made red patterned curtains for my crimson old office. I told her how much I miss my own space, my own office with burnt-sienna/alizarin crimson walls. How I've always wanted such deep tones and I had them, for a little while. She told me I'll have it back. That's just it. I won't. In my lifetime she is not going to have a high enough paying job that we can afford to render that room an office again. She has no choice but to go back to school. The mess and politics of all that are not appropriate for my blog/my story. Needless to say, an (unemployed) paramedic can't actually do anything else.

I am jealous of all my peers - so young, so "healthy" (OK, y'all do have some issues but your still chugging along), so upwardly mobile. I'm even jealous of my own wife who has, if she wanted, a whole lifetime ahead of her.