Tuesday, August 25, 2009

order

I haven't been to inclined to write lately - my head is still very much up my ass (so to speak) with all that's gone on. I can't make sense of any of it and would rather not spew some of my unconscious dribble over everyone. Aside from confusion, much of my (emotional) state remains that of anger. Confused anger to be precise.
It doesn't help that well meaning people expect us to be over Step-son's death. They're never literal, but if we're having a tough time of it, or don't respond in the positive (for example) to their questions they wonder "what's wrong". What's wrong; a healthy 17 year old was ripped from our lives. That's what's wrong. It's not like we both sit in the grief everyday, but there's not a day that goes by that he doesn't some how enter our thoughts. OK, more so in the Wife's thoughts than my own, but still - this house is a house of mourning. Granted we are starting to live again, eat, go out etc. Thanks to good friend (what would one do without good friends?) I even laughed, really soulfully laughed the other day. One can't just sit and stew in grief - but the pain of loss doesn't go away. In fact it will get worse for Wife before it gets better, mainly because he didn't live with us. That will drag it out as she waits for his phone calls in the middle of the night (she's on night shift). The fact that he didn't live with us is a saving grace though - she would have lost it completely.
Me, I'm holding it together - except the anger part (well, even that is kept fairly at bay considering). I have the annoyance of dealing with people's ignorance and negating my experience in this - and they are so sneaky about it. It was only about the third time that someone passed on their condolences over Wife's loss that I realized why I felt so jaded when people would say that. It's as if step-parents have no role/grief in all this. Sure, I didn't raise him since diapers, but when you date a single parent, you date the child. Now when people ask how the Wife is, I tell them that we're coping. This isn't about me I know, but it did happen to the both of us and it is the both of us that are getting through this. She doesn't live in a vacuum and if these well-meaning people like to see grief as compartmentalized then that's their issue.

In the meantime I keep searching for an answer. My faith has been rocked, yes, but not so much about believing that there's some sort of energy field out there, but about my long-held order I had about the universe. That is upside down. Naturally any parent (step-parent, grandparent, etc.) would feel that way when a child dies first, because we as humans believe that it's not the natural order of life/death, secondly because this can't be happening to her over and over again.. "A parent should never outlive their children" is a saying that's ingrained into or psyche - consciously or not. I keep calling "whatever is out there (insert G-d)" audacious.
And this concept of order is ingrained in ours. I keep waiting for some sort of reason why this 17 year old was taken from us. I can partially accept why I'm mostly likely dieing before my parents, but him - I just don't get. I vacillate between anger and denial. Some days I am so angry I can't bear to look at his photo, other days, I wonder if he'll do OK in school this year, completely forgetting that I held his dieing body for 3 weeks. That in itself was a surreal experience.

His mortality also painfully brings me closer to mine - both as a reminder of what I could potentially go through, and the emptiness that's looming in the Wife. I just don't know WHY she gets this kind of "karma". Which, I am starting to believe there is no such thing - nor is there any reason for anything. I used to be a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. Not so much now. Loosing her son but not me: maybe it'll make her a stronger person. Loosing me but not her son: maybe it'll make her stronger person (or whatever new agey belief that people like to imply). Loosing both- how strong does she have to be, and for what. Really, for what?
It just doesn't make sense.