Thursday, September 10, 2009

change

So the only constant in life really is change - I haven't abandonned this project - but I have been struggling with the meaning of life. If anyone out there knows why we're all here, by all means - can ya let me know?

The past few weeks have been hectic - ending summer, getting ready for a new semester (I will always live via the semestered calendar since I will always either be a student or a teacher!), and having new folks move into our house. As part of my ritual to rid myself of this past summer I decided that now was finally the time to cut my long mane right off. It had reached the needed length for donation (it already met the other requirement: virgin hair). So I had a special friend cut it all off just in time for Rosh Hashana - if only it is that easy to rid oneself of all the reasons why I cut it now. I cannot just fold up Step-son's death neatly away like the clothes in his box. I was reminded yet again just how much I still don't understand why children die by seeing a blonde child cry in the hallways at work today. I was so grateful it was the end of my class and I was on my way out because seeing this child made me feel so...incomprehensible. I'm slowly surrendering to the fact that he won't be moving here next year or ever, but I'm no where near accepting why he died.

Which is completely opposite my journery with my own mortality. I'm able to accept why I'm going: I've been going all my life (out there).