Wednesday, September 16, 2009

fear & excitement

I think fear and excitement should be part of the same continuum, just opposite ends of course. For a few months I've been fearful, or rather, apprehensive of the new Rx I've been waiting for clearance (funding for). I haven't really trusted how such a toxic drug could really create a difference in my living experience. For me the toxins didn't outweigh the "more energy". Maybe I'm hoping that in giving me more energy it will also somehow take away the strain on my heart thereby extending my life by a few months (years).
That aside, it just seemed like there were too many hoops to jump through to get to the point where I would be facing a new pill bottle.

Well, here's a positive report from the type of people that work at the local Heart Hospital. My N.P. who's been advocating for the funding is going ahead and sending the Rx as soon as she can. I still haven't been approved by Wife's work's insurance company: in fact, I've been denied and it's in appeals. Apparently I don't meet the requirements to warrant such expenditures nor do they feel I need it. Hah - if only they had a copy of my paper-weight medical files(s)! That and I don't understand if something has been prescribed by a Dr. doesn't that usually imply it's needed? So the patient support program to this drug (for which I've been in contact with weekly) has informed me that if it doesn't get approved on the appeal my next step is to apply to the provincial Pharmacare. That program would (ok, should) approve of it, but if it doesn't my NP knows for sure that the provincial Disability branch will cover it (that's who's covering my O2 at over $500 a month right now). (man, I'm one expensive chicky-pooh!)
So my NP is doing what she can on her end to just get the meds delivered to me.
From fear to excitement. This might actually happen!
I'm trying to check-in with myself to make sure I don't have any expectations for this medication. I also have my cardio team constantly reminding me that this isn't going to lengthen anything - so really it's hard to forget. I wish them wrong! Can I really persevere through this? If so, for how much longer?

The wait, a different sort of wait, is on.