Sunday, October 18, 2009

So, we're looking at Genisus - the creation story. It's that time of year again, the torah's been rolled to the beginning and now we're reading "the beginning". The past few months, I've read that story over and over, trying to make sense of - anything, everything. I'm not sure I believe anything anymore. Now, of course I don't take the creation sotry literally. Like any creation story in any religion it is, just that, a story. It's a way to conceptualize how the world was made. Be it spider woman, adam and eve or the big bang, they are all just stories. We use story to narrate our lived experience. True or not. (Besides, one 'day' back then could have been 1000 years, not 24 hours like we conceptualized).

Everything it arbitrary. Everything is so only because we think it. Not because it actually is. When my wife chooses to believe her son is contacting her via a shooting start - it's just that, a choice to perceive things the way you want to see them.

I used to believe in past lives, reincarnation and the spirit world. My creator wasn't the abrahamic dude with the white beard sitting on a cloud: anyone who's been on an airplane knows that's just a story. But I did believe in some sort of energy field that's bigger than us. Now, even science isn't science. It's only perception and interpretation of observation. That's all.

Now I wonder if we aren't all an illusion. We're here only because we say we are. We've created such a mess in the universe. We send people to the moon to blast it apart looking for water yet we continue to dump toxins and garbage into our own oceans. We are building a space station so people can someday live 'up there' but we can't build affordable housing for all human beings. We are a messed up species - and we continue messing things. We continue repressing others, controling our precious resources, hurting our animal friends, etc. etc. There are countless human atrocities that make me wonder: why are we here and how long before our stupidity will bight us in the ass?

Perhaps I'm having an existential crisis. I have no idea. I have no idea why people believe a shooting star means that their loved ones are saying 'hi'. Why do we hold on to such silliness?

For comfort?

There is no g-d, no creator, no spirit of the universe, no goddess, no nothing.

And this makes me very sad.
Partially because it makes me feel so alone in the universe - disconnected to the human race, and partially because my work has been based on spiritual connection. The phenomena of creativity is not expempt from the relationship to the spiritual self.

So now what?

If g-d didn't take Thomas away (as an acquaintance proudly boasts) then what is all this about? After his heart stopped beating, his white and blue corpse lay there - where did 'he' go? Where will I go in a few year? What happens to personality - why is it so different from spirit-self. Why do we have a spirit-self if there is no g-d.

If Buddha was right, that we try to attain enlightenment, then why do so many millions of people seek fulfillment through the acquisition of things? Why do so many millions of people buy into the belief that XYZ object will satisfy the seeking soul?

I used to find my place in the universe in nature. It's the "pagan" in me. Not that I worshipped nature perse, but that I recognized its reverance. I haven't spent much time in nature - the princess in me has become quite the city girl. I love my Lush baths, my automatic dishwasher and my ability to be mobile sans auto if need be in the city. I don't own rubber boots. Squishing in the mud has taken on a whole new meaning now that I own a home with a backyard. It becomes work. Transplanting, moving stuff around in the yard, sho-ing squirrels away.