Monday, October 19, 2009

when you're at the mercy of others

I'm a Pisces - I need water. My moon sign is Taurus - I need a forest.

(It also means I'm emotional and stubborn). All this I know about myself. And I've usually had a weekly date with the river or a walk in the forest for most of my adult life. I couldn't tell you the last time I was by the water, in the forest. Well, actually, I can and the only reason I can recall even though it's been over 3 months is because it was by the ocean (the best body of water by far) and in an old-growth forest (the best trees by far).

I haven't made time to walk in nature, nor have I really felt safe enough doing so since women started disappearing near my corner of the river. I miss nature, so after work today I stopped by the river - a not so private place - to walk and sit. This same path I strolled with cane in hand today is the same path I used to roller blade along (yes, I used to roller blade!).

Although today was a gorgeous fall day the wind picked up by the shoreline. Leaves skipped across the river and the reads bent over towards the water. At one point I couldn't tell if I was shivering due to the autumnal breeze or the upset in my heart. I think it was a bit of both. Water used to clear my mind - today it made it murky, buoyant, unsettled.

I spent the better part of the morning on the phone back and forth with the pharmacy in Toronto and the "DD patient support program" trying to figure out why my drug wasn't delivered. (It's been 28 days, time for a new box of $3,965 worth of meds). Honestly, I knew why they weren't delivered: I owe them over a grand. I just didn't understand how I would pay that, or why the provincial pharmacare had not yet bridged me in. Frustration increased as I realized that all the paperwork had not been completed. It seems that they are missing stuff from my wife. Paperwork I requested from the Wife over a week ago. Ah yes, the woman who has no inclination towards her own health is now impeding mine. Granted in all fairness I knew this about her when I married her. So yes, it's my fault for expecting anything different. Of course, I was naive enough to think that would change, that I would change her. Perhaps the gravity of the situation would warrant action, perhaps my filing system would be adopted. Perhaps nothing: in the end I sat by the water realizing that no matter how much pushing I do to get things done - not matter how grave the situation is (um, meds for my health!) things won't change. I expected anything different?

Silly me.

Silly me for thinking that, to quote a dear friend "you gotta take care of the living before the dead" is a known concept.

Silly me, for thinking I had any control.

So my Wife is leaving for Vancouver in two days - the headstone is ready and she will bury her son's ashes. I completely understand that she's been a mess the past few weeks. I completely understand how important this is to her. What I don't understand is how the already dead comes before the living.

It's too late for the meds this month - for now. (You know me, I'm stubborn and I'll find some way to get them... it may take time though.)

I never did get that delivery this morning. I'm sure I will be on the phone all morning again tomorrow trying to reason and figure some way around my wife's missing documents - documents which I asked for last week.

In the end I'm really not sure why I ever expected that my health would mean anything. I'm fully aware that her health has never meant anything and g-d knows she's had many warnings (her younger cousin had a heart attack last month). Sometimes these things fall on deaf ears. Sometimes you just gotta deal, and sometimes you have to find away around someone else.