Friday, November 13, 2009

sometimes

Sometimes the universe gives you much more than you can handle. I don't believe in that saying that "g-d" only gives you want you can handle. I thought I did but life just keeps getting tougher and tougher and my health - all aspects of it- keeps getting more fragile. Some days I wonder how I haven't broken yet. I guess I've been lucky enough to have good people around me helping hold me up. Other days I feel completely alone not knowing where to turn to. When my health is low I feel a surge of panic. It has only continued to snowball downwards. It plateaued during the summer when I had to be there for someone else. Now that it's my turn to be here for me I find my energy wanes, I'm spread out so thin I don't know where the real me is some days.

And the irony is I'm more mobile with these designer drugs now. I am not leaning on my cane as much, I have better health days (although the days filled with pain are distinctly worse). All this additional mobility has to manifest into more energy for the next traumatic chapter of my life.

I hate transitions more than staying in the pain itself.