Friday, November 20, 2009

unsure

Not really sure what to write these days.


I feel that my health is stabilizing -that's about the only part of my life that is.

Everything else is in flux - and I mean everything.

It doesn't help that I've (we've) had a year from hell. Just when we thought we could gain some grounding, another crisis/trauma. It's finally taken it's tole. I've regressed and can no longer live with it. Melissa Ethridge's song "Breakdown" is my new theme song.


Somehow I have to find the physical strength to whittle down and move a house-full of stuff. That part's not so hard since I started purging knowing that I only had a few years to live. Now I look at "objects" and think: if it's not going to be used in 6 months, gone. It's freeing but sad nonetheless.


The worst part is I've lost half my community. I'm going to be starting over but not from scratch. I'm left with whatever pieces will make the trip.


I have provincial funding now for my expensive yet life altering (ok, a little exaggerated there!) Designed Drugs. The day I received the letter was bitter sweet - it was the same day I received some personally devastating news. (Just add it to the pile of 2009). All that effort, and I finally have the funding. I still have to pay a deductible, but I'm not so worried as I will soon be on the system, where they will take care of it all since I'm as close to financial (and emotional) bankruptcy as I'll ever be.


This is not how I ever saw my life - then again, I also thought I would live to at least 53 (although I did imagine wearing O2 full-time as I blew out all the candles). I thought I had enough stubbornness in me for the fight. That saying "the universe doesn't give you more than you can handle" is complete and utter hog-wash. I am not handling much these days, in fact, since Thomas' passing I haven't been able to handle the day to day. I suppose that's why a simple pig-flu knocked me out cold (then again, it doesn't help that I have these underlying conditions that complicate everything, and I mean everything, in my life. I can't run from it - it's in me, ticking away ever reminding me just how fragile everything is. You'd think it would evoke a zen-like state of gratitude, but it hasn't. It's manifested itself as anger, then add anger to losing Thomas, then ... will it ever end?