Saturday, December 26, 2009

How can one be happy with a broken heart?:

This autonomy thing is awesome.

I haven't felt this free in a long time - in all aspects of my life including health. it's true, working job #2 was very difficult and I encountered more dis/ability in being able to do the physical work of the job (standing etc.). It seems that some losses are not so big when you are gifted with more, other abilities. I am so enjoying my brain in work places. This has led to a few very big decisions about my life.

I've decided to quit the retail position. That was a hard decision because the woman I worked for I've worked under at other places throughout my 12 years in that specific retail industry. It's risking saying goodbye to an acquaintance. Signing the contract for the "third job" this past week helped me realize I would still be making more there for half the retail work, and the research project is something I don't mind.

I've also decided that in my quest for self-improvement, my self-esteem is worth more to me than the money I could be making to pay this house (alone). Moving is still in the forecast, however I am feeling empowered that I get to make those decisions. Sure it's lonely (I still cry an hour a day, but after an hour I need to get on with life). The house is awfully big without my other half. I guess that's why I'm keeping myself away and at work. My cats are not very happy with me. They don't leave my side the hour that I'm here before or after work. Right now away from home and at work is where I need to be.

Which brings me to another realization. These designer drugs that I fought so hard for (at the cost of my marriage), are worth it. I have to stress, they don't reverse my heart failure, but I can do my job at work (the M-F) work. Sure I'm exhausted when I get home but I don't feel like I did even 10 months ago. Loving my work also helps. If I dreaded what I did and had to drag my ass, I wouldn't be able to work upwards 60 hours a week and live with heart failure. I just wouldn't.

So some of the big decisions I've made are about how I'm going to treat myself. For so long this past year I was so miserly, not wanting to "spend money" on things I needed because I felt those things would just be a waste (that and it wasn't all my money to spend anyay). Why buy brand new boots if I'm not going to need them in a year. Why replace my broken (but functioning) laptop (my only home computer) if it's just going to be willed to someone in a year or two. I've decided I can't live like that anymore. I'm not going to spend crazy amounts of money (I don't have) because I won't have a tomorrow, but I will "allow" myself the same privilege as most working/middle-class people else on this planet: to have an OK today with dry warm feet! So I bought myself boots, and not just any boots, but Kamik's. It made me very nervous to spend $90 on boots. I never do that (I was raised by a war survivor, we don't spend money on name brands, we don't by brand new cars or brand new clothes!).

I feel empowered.
I have no idea what the Universe has in store for me or how long It is giving me but I've also decided that I'm going to live - what I mean by that is, I am visualizing health. I'm visualizing vitality, I'm visualizing a slowing down of the degeneration, I'm visualizing these meds opening my airways, and I'm meditating more.

Sounds silly I know, but this was exactly my field of study: psychoneuroimmunology/ spiritneuroimmunology before I changed my thesis (to be more work related: creativity and addictions in relation to stages of change theory). Your mind does impact your body. I'm living proof, I was supposed to die at 2, then 9, then 12, then.... you get the picture. I'm a stubborn ass and might as well put it to good use.

My final realization of the week: if I can't have what I've lost, I might as well give myself something I never thought I'd get. I'm taking my self on a pilgrimage. I have a few destinations in mind but the where at this point is not important, the decision is. By the end of this year, by the grace of G-d if I'm still well enough to travel I'll be flying across some ocean some where. If I have to scrimp and save I will, g-d knows I've lived off a tighter budget before.

I'm excited. Heartbroken, but excited, happy and free.