Wednesday, December 9, 2009

the in-betweens

When you get to the evening of your life (the last third) you start marking the in between moments such as half birthdays. Today I'm thirty six and three quarters.

Today I also received my total drug consumption (from the speciality pharmacy that dishes out my DD's). In ten weeks I've consumed over $10,000 worth of meds. It's sickening and scary that medications cost that much. That's fifty-two thousand dollars a year. For that I could have a new heart and lungs.

So for my 36 3/4 birthday I stomped through our first snowfall combined snowstorm. I wasn't really ready for this impending winter because it was not even one week ago that it was mild enough (at the beginning of December) to burlap my trees without instantly freezing. Usually that little of a transition is havock on my lungs. Today, not so bad.
This week, not so bad. I still find I'm getting out of breath negotiating the snow banks, but I'm impressed. For 10K there better be something noticeable.

I've been gifting myself with time. I'm filling my schedule again. I am now entering a period of working 7 days a week at 2 jobs both of which are new. (It's out with the old, in with the new).
I'm purposely filling the time "my" tribe has left me. I save my time for true friends and that time is sacred to share with them since they're still here. I'm saddened by the loss but comforted by those left who are here without judgement - those with love in their hearts. However, there are times of loneliness that I can't bear just yet and so I've filled it - if not with work, then with the research required at work 1. But I'm excited. So excited, that even though I am in the evening of my life, I can rewrite everything, give myself what I couldn't get from my significant other: time. So, on my way to work I gift myself with listening to (yeah yeah) new agey meditations and spiritual audio CDs. Not only does it help the milk-run pass much faster, but I'm believing again what I should have believed long ago: I am worth more, that I've supported and and given so much this past year and now I have to support myself. No more free giving, only freedom.

And more is coming.
I have hope again, I have connection again - to something much more important than some mortal that just couldn't live up to love. I'm connected back to the eternal.
And whether She takes my life in 3 months or 3 more years, today I live to my potential, not limited by loneliness.

Afterall, we all die alone. So why should it bother me that I will die alone. Why should it terrorize me? Hopefully I will be at job 1 long enough to earn enough to buy my plot. After that, it doesn't really matter, because if I can burry myself, in the end, that's all that matters. No more leaning on people I thought were there 'till the end. There is no such thing. People are human: they judge, misunderstand, take sides, do whatever it is they do because that's how they are, forgetting that time is precious and that we're here to love.

Me, I'm going to make sure that my advanced directives are always with me because afterall there is no one to call anymore in case of emergency. That makes me sad, but I have enough to be sad about. At least being able to give myself a plot I can be rest assured I have a place to rest, eternally. And I might need that after working 7 days a week!