Friday, December 18, 2009

making up for lost time?

I'm not quite sure what's going on with the Universe. I'm wondering if She's either trying to make up for this past shitty shitty year or if It's trying to make sure I don't feel so lonely and unwanted before my health declines further.

I just got another job offer from a job I didn't even apply to (a job I did a year ago wants me back). And I'm actually considering it - for 2 minutes I found myself trying to see where in my schedule after my 50 hour week I could squeeze another 15 hours in. I do need the money, and I could pay off my entire burial by March, but it could also be by April that I would need it if I do this to myself. I don't have another house-mate and without my ex's portion I am now screwed to cover the entire "rent". Yeah, I'm resentful that she could just walk away from all these responsibilities with just one easy signature. Jerk behaviour aside, I'm now stuck with this financial responsibility. I don't have the luxury of just running away from responsibility. I've always had the weight of the world on my shoulders and a sense of responsibility that sometimes doesn't even belong to me.

That weight has always caused such stress on my system that now I am forced to either stick to a meditative practice or let the stress get to my heart. I'm not suicidal so my choice is to find a way to deal somehow and not run away like some people can choose with such ease and lack of consequence...

Two of the jobs are actually jobs that require my education and or training skills - you know, decent pay (well, low cuz it's in social services but a hell of a lot more than I've been making being dependent on a partner). The other jobs is, of course, retail - mainly because it's the busy season and it was easy to get. Thing is, I've done a few shifts now and I can't for the life of me see how I'm going to get through. A year ago I did retail (also before the holidays) and I was purple by the end of the 9 hour shift. Now I'm purple by hour3 standing on the floor. It's doing the same thing a year later with less stamina that shows me exactly where my increasing limits are highly noticeable. It makes me sad - it limits an entire world of "easy and immediate" jobs. That entire world is now gone if I'm ever stuck needing employment "now". If I wasn't already heart-broken, I'd say it's a bit heart breaking noticing yet another big limit. Compared to the mutli-holes in my heart, really, retail is not a big loss (just the decline in ability).

As mentioned above, it's not like I can quit this job despite my inability to physically do it. I'm screwed for money. I'm left picking up the very costly pieces.

I know I need self-care, I know I really need to be careful, I'm "disabled" but I also know I can't bear being alone in this big house, alone with the devastation. So I have to fill my time or I will spin into misery and finally I'm at a place where I can say, it's not worth it. Not because she wasn't but because I'm worth more than this ping pong treatment, but because despite who I became while with her, I am still worth treating with dignity and respect, for as long as I live. I, like everyone else, is a child of g-d. My heart will be going into a big locked case - how could I ever trust someone again, not just with my heart, but my health? My health is something very intimate for me. Until last January when I was in the Heart Institute I didn't share so much about my condition. I only became more open because of the woman who took care of my heart (physically, legally, emotionally) because she couldn't do it alone anymore. Nor should she have to. No one person buries another. A community needs to step in, get them through. Now? I have to take care of all this from the living end so strangers can follow a paper. I will be so relieved when I have my own plot, when I know if nothing else, I can bury myself. What relief that will be (but it still saddens me that it won't be 'her' following those papers). She was supposed to build my pine box (we Jews get buried in simple pine boxes, and I as a witch also like the simplicity and ecological aspects of Jewish burials).

Humans are full of "supposed to's". Don't let your life pass you by filled with supposed to's. Life is too short, love is too precious. And no one really realizes it until it's too late. Because there is such thing as "too late".