Saturday, December 5, 2009

shul

Today's reading was about a woman (can't recall her name) in Genesis who was "taken by force" (ie, raped) and then to "make things better", the families involved traded her (like property), off to another man so that she could at least have some form of life, because, in biblical times, if you weren't married (read, wife and mother), your only other oocupation was whore or concubine. Thing is, it may be a few thousand years later, but unmarried middle aged women aren't really respected. I mean, we're 'accepted' as a common phenomena now, but it's very hard to be single and middle age. Especially when you just came through a 10 year realationship.


When you're an established couple, couples do things together. Couples and singles rarely mix. All those Sex and the City girls, most were single. The singles mix with the other pathetic singles, and the couples, in their own circles. Through in a disability or health challenge and you fin your circle becomes even smaller. The people that were there for you (the couple you) no longer want to be with you when you're single. It breaks the groove: couples and singles? What, I don't think so. For whatever reason, single middle aged women are screwed, both four thousand years ago, and now in the "modern era".


What does this have to do with Truncus Arteriosis? Absolutely nothing, and yet it's related. Most of the TA patients who are not married, are either still living with their parents or expected to. Many of them also have other things like Aspergers or Downs as a complication to the heart stuff. It was thought that I was a "high funtioning" Asperger, but I was stubborn enough to prove everyone wrong - that I could function (ok, somewhat) and make (something) of myself. I am fairly independent, yet for a lot of other things, I was admittedly very dependent on my spouse. First mistake.


Then, I started trusting that there really is validity to this thing called "community or tribe". Second mistake. While it exists, and works well for those in couples, for the poor single girl, you're out. Al the overwhelming love and support during Thomas' passing is all but gone. While it was a beautiful thing to witness, it as in the end for the xWife, because now, it's all but gone. Single middle-aged women are alone. No wonder they latch on to work.


I decided 2 weeks ago that I didn't want to rot away in some social-service-crack house. Now whether or not I have the health enough to work full time doesn't really matter anymore. I went and got more jobs. So shortly I'll be working 7 days a week - if nothing else, I'll be able to support myself until I give myself a heart attack. But at least I won't be alone. I'll have "coworkers" (I'm sorry they don't replace the intimacy, trust and support of good freinds). I am so my father's daughter. My father was a work-aholic. I resented him for it - I didn't have a present father because of it. He travelled a lot and I was basically raised by my mother.