Wednesday, January 27, 2010

mopping & spiritneuroimmunology

I just finished mopping. I haven't mopped since before shit hit the fan in this house. Needless to say I think I need to hire someone to do house-work. I now have chest pains because I actually had to scrub (it's been a long time, the floor was a mess).

A year ago this past weekend I was in the Heart Institute, learning my fate: the rest of my life. This past weekend I felt pretty damn good. I've always believed in spiritneuroimmunology and true to this 'science' the more spiritually connected I am, the better I feel. That doesn't mean that I don't get sick at all, in fact I have this nasty cough and sore throat: something I think is going around anyway. Either that or I'm getting everything under the sun from my new workplace. I wouldn't be the first person to have their immune system tested in that environment. I work with some pretty sick and diseased people.

In fact, just before teaching my class I walked right past a stretcher holding a filled body bag. Someone in the hospice section of my workplace died today. This isn't the first time, but it is the first time that I happened to run into the body. I'd lie if I said it didn't trigger me. All of a sudden visions of a long metal table draped in a white sheet flashed through my head (a common scene when I stayed on the palliative care ward this past summer). Today isn't an anniversary day or anything significant like that. Today was just a sad day. Sad for all the losses I'm getting through from 2009. Sad that so many people have so many losses in their lives, sad perhaps because a co-worker of mine was also having a hairy day. I have a great team and one woman in particular I really jive with. She knows of both my losses, only because she herself buried a husband at one point in her life and was also in the same program that I am now a part of.

No one however knows of my health limitations. Some have guessed that I'm a bit more fragile than others because I always take the elevator to my 3rd floor office, and because of my purple fingers. Walking slow doesn't tip anyone off - co-workers probably chalk it up to serenity or mindfullness. One co-worker is always walking slowly, with intention, never rushing to programming etc. It used to bother me in the beginning, her lackadaisical attitude, but now I get it. Why rush. Why? She practices Mindfulness based meditation. I started reading on it and am now signed up for a course in March - both for myself and my work. I am one lucky girl to do what I do. I have gratitude everyday for liking what I do, even though some days are just so damn hard (there's only so much of other peoples' traumas one can take). I know that my liking my job has everything to do with the fact that my health is not fumbling forwards again. Sure I can't feel my left foot anymore, I get the tingles again, things slip out of my grip, but after a year of this, you get used to a new norm. I also know just how lucky I am to live in Canada, even with cuts to health and pharmacare, I still have somewhat of a bit of coverage for these medications that also help me work. I still have a few hundred dollars a month to pay myself (after the deductable) per month, which on my salary is a lot, but what I think they're giving me is the ability to live (with limitations obviously): I don't have to spend most of my days at home "taking it easy" just yet. Quality of life is imperative. I'm not so sure what I'm going to do once I am no longer covered, after the divorce and all. Right now, I'm taking it one day at a time - literally. But, on that note, I've also lost count of how much money's worth of meds I've taken thus far. I lost count after $10,000. Yes, $10,000 in just a few months, of pill-taking! It is absolutely insane - it's no wonder they come special delivery. It's a $4,000 box that comes to my door every four weeks. Four grand, and it's a small box!

For now, I keep praying, working, breathing, one day at a time. If my spirit is healthy, my body has a fighting chance. I've been blessed to be on this planet one more year, despite all the tragedy, all the losses, life is still (painfully) beautiful.

So ya, spiritneuroimmunology: big word for big connections!