Sunday, February 21, 2010

drive free

Just got back from Montreal. Another fun-filled weekend seeing people from my past. I can't keep up with the single life-style. I'm not 26 anymore. Hell, a decade of sub-urban marriage really quietens the hard-edge girl I used to be.

I used to live on the edge. Anyone who knew me before I started settling for my (ex) wife knew that I always lived in the fast lane. I don't mean that I'd jump out of planes like another thrill-seeking friend of mine but that whatever I did, I'd do it with passion: that joie-de-vivre I was raised with. The french girl in me I lost when I married a unilingual anglophone. A culture and mindset was set aside for compromise/communication. I allowed myself to just let go of that part of me that makes me sparkle. I miss her (me): mon p'tit francaise, meine liebling.

Well, true to my old self, I did the Ott-Mtl/Mtl-Ott route in an hour and 40minutes. When I was married I was so much more responsbile, becoming nervous when I'd go over 122(km/hour) but now I'm back to living in the fast lane. 133 baby, all the way. (Hey, it's not like I was speeding, the folks in the slow lane were going 125!). When I got married I fell into those damn social norms I used to always rebel against: be responsible, slow down, be white, middle aged and straight-like. None of which I am (ok, white by birth only).

I lived life in the fast lane because I knew I was going to die young anyway. Except my fast lane still looked pretty mild-mannered compared to those who really lived the fast life (my clients for example: using crack, heroin, cheating death every day). My attitude lived in that lane more than my actions. Afterall, I knew at a young age if I actually engaged in what my fast mind wanted to try (bungy jumping, cocaine, etc.) that I would be dead in a heart beat. So I became responsibly wild.

Then I got married.
and then I became super responsbile.
Then I got separated
and then I discovered myself again.
And now,
I allow her to be her wonderfully crazy-ass life-loving and living wild self-again. I am going to die anyway, I might as well enjoy my self in the process, while I'm able bodied enough to travel down that road again. Literally, the highway between Ott and Mtl was my home for years in my 20s. I've rediscovered myself on my way to going back to a life I once lived.

I've discovered I can't quite keep up. I just can't dance the night away like I could 15 years ago. But I can enjoy just being there - enjoy the process called life. I've discovered I'm much more than I ever thought I could be and that perhaps I can be more still. I've discovered I'm not done pushing myself because I'm not done. Until I take my last breath, there's always a chance for change, growth, renewal, and new discoveries.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

a single plot please

So it's a beautiful sunny day in downtown OT. I'm feeling energized because we've had incredible weather the past few weeks.
My health is stabilizing. I've been to the dentist and the doctors and everything seems where it should. I am so happy to not have any cavities for once in my life. :-) I had a cleaning, my first in 3 years because I haven't had insurance. Heart patients should have them every 3 months because the mouth is the first path to possible endocarditus complications. Meh. I'm going to die young anyway.

So, feeling pretty chipper today, I decided to tackle the question of my burial. I'm working full time now, and am able to start what I call my "plot account". I have been feeling very proud that I can be responsible enough to do this - not for anyone else anymore, but so that I'm not left high and dry since it will be me burying me now. And of course, it starts with the phone call. Society and their social norms. The guy asks what kind of plot: family or single. So, I say single. He clears his throat as if ashamed for me and asks again, "so no spousal spot". No asshole, I have no spouse anymore - I'll be lying in all of eternity next to strangers because my spouse can't keep a commitment... that's what came to mind, but I politely said, "no, single".

So I get the prices. Either they've gone up or I completely forgot to calculate the actual burial costs (ie the guys shoveling the gravel over me) in my first calculation last year of about $3,500. Now it really will look like $5,000. I'm rethinking this pre-planning thing. I mean, the only reason I thought that it was something important to do was because I wanted to relieve my life-partner of such a burden. I gave too much thought, compassion and concern to leaving her behind. I cared too much to want to take care of this part for her, to relieve her of all those worrisome details. Now, I have no ties. I am free (not that I ever wanted "freedom" - but that's another post).

I'm single now - I don't have to care about who's left behind. I don't have to worry about taking care to relieve some of those stressors. I can, if I want, leave it to the government to bury me. After all if I can't even afford a marker, how would it be very different than if I don't preplan and just get the stick sticking out of the ground?

Maybe I should just take that money and go overseas. I'd get more out of it that's for sure. Now that I'm living for me and only me, I might just do that.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

a spiritual mountain dies today

Today I got news that a very beautiful, very spiritual woman finally passed to the other side. I say finally because she's been battling a very aggressive type of cancer for a while now. It's ravaged her body and now, she no longer has to struggle. She can be at peace with her spiritual self.

I barely new this woman but she has impacted me so thoroughly, like most people who are on some sort of deep spiritual quest. When you meet and know them, you instantly get to see their essence.
The very first time I met her over 2 years ago I knew she had something important to say - to the world, and something very important for me to hear, eventually.

I've had the blessed privilege of receiving some of her teaching through the women around her. As she got sicker, I'm sure there was room for less new people so I didn't 'bother' to wedge my way into that circle, but spiritual teachings came my way anyway. I am blessed to have known this woman.

She is a mountain of spiritual connection - someone who, in this lifetime, with illness, could manage, unmarried, but not alone, anyway. It was only a few short months ago that I found out that she was going through this unmarried. Her strength to have lived through and then died of her given illness has mesmerized me. If she can do this alone, so can I. If she can be a mountain, than perhaps I too have the strength to be a tall strong, unmovable force within myself.

Thank you J- for being who you were - and sharing all of that strength with all of us, and for helping me see that dieing unmarried is not a tragedy - you did it, and I am inspired by your courage, strength and love. May you rest peacefully in the afterglow of your spirit-self. ...Blessings...