Sunday, February 21, 2010

drive free

Just got back from Montreal. Another fun-filled weekend seeing people from my past. I can't keep up with the single life-style. I'm not 26 anymore. Hell, a decade of sub-urban marriage really quietens the hard-edge girl I used to be.

I used to live on the edge. Anyone who knew me before I started settling for my (ex) wife knew that I always lived in the fast lane. I don't mean that I'd jump out of planes like another thrill-seeking friend of mine but that whatever I did, I'd do it with passion: that joie-de-vivre I was raised with. The french girl in me I lost when I married a unilingual anglophone. A culture and mindset was set aside for compromise/communication. I allowed myself to just let go of that part of me that makes me sparkle. I miss her (me): mon p'tit francaise, meine liebling.

Well, true to my old self, I did the Ott-Mtl/Mtl-Ott route in an hour and 40minutes. When I was married I was so much more responsbile, becoming nervous when I'd go over 122(km/hour) but now I'm back to living in the fast lane. 133 baby, all the way. (Hey, it's not like I was speeding, the folks in the slow lane were going 125!). When I got married I fell into those damn social norms I used to always rebel against: be responsible, slow down, be white, middle aged and straight-like. None of which I am (ok, white by birth only).

I lived life in the fast lane because I knew I was going to die young anyway. Except my fast lane still looked pretty mild-mannered compared to those who really lived the fast life (my clients for example: using crack, heroin, cheating death every day). My attitude lived in that lane more than my actions. Afterall, I knew at a young age if I actually engaged in what my fast mind wanted to try (bungy jumping, cocaine, etc.) that I would be dead in a heart beat. So I became responsibly wild.

Then I got married.
and then I became super responsbile.
Then I got separated
and then I discovered myself again.
And now,
I allow her to be her wonderfully crazy-ass life-loving and living wild self-again. I am going to die anyway, I might as well enjoy my self in the process, while I'm able bodied enough to travel down that road again. Literally, the highway between Ott and Mtl was my home for years in my 20s. I've rediscovered myself on my way to going back to a life I once lived.

I've discovered I can't quite keep up. I just can't dance the night away like I could 15 years ago. But I can enjoy just being there - enjoy the process called life. I've discovered I'm much more than I ever thought I could be and that perhaps I can be more still. I've discovered I'm not done pushing myself because I'm not done. Until I take my last breath, there's always a chance for change, growth, renewal, and new discoveries.