Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Autumnal Equinox/new year brings a calm wind of change

So meeting new folks means looking at issues around disclosure, especially if said people are becoming important or if they'll hang around for a bit.

I could always choose to not disclose. I am "lucky" to be able to hide my disability, but hiding also means I come across as lazy, poor sport etc. when being invited to hikes, long walks, dances etc. So I make the choice to disclose, a bit at a time. I don't want to depress people, scare them off or overwhelm folks - especially one person in particular. That last thing I want to do is scare her. How fair is that to meet someone and say "um, I probably won't ever experience your age" (she's older than me).

The thing is, if I wait too long to disclose, I'm withholding. In my value-system withholding is a form of lieing. If I disclose too soon, it may scare her and she may run. But I guess that's a choice only she can make.

Right now though it's not too much of an issue as our walks seem to be more leisurely - stop to look at the rabbit, watch the heron take flight, observe les grenouiles (sorry forgot English word)....
Tonight's walk, under the autumnal equinox' full moon was breathtaking. We went (back) to her favourite spot which included a bit of forest, a bit of water and a bit of beach. I couldn't have had a more perfect day. At work I got paid to be on excursion by a lake. It was a beautiful day which ended with an equally wonderful walk with a beautiful woman. I am so filled with gratitude and serenity, I never thought this day (feeling at peace with oneself) would come! And the thing is, it's here even before she walked into my life. Some days I just don't recognize myself as I am not the same woman I was even 11 months ago. She wants to get to know me, I'm still getting to know me, the authentic me. It's an incredible journey to be on, for myself, never mind if I end up with anyone else. And at this point I don't want to "be" with anyone. I like my life, my space, my career, and not rushing anything - time is precious, but so is just living it. Just living in the joie-de-vivre encore!