Saturday, September 11, 2010

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn..."

So as usual I'm keeping a very different pace and lifestyle these days - and am very happy. I'm still doing what I love and yet trying new things with new folk.

Last night at my labyrinth walk I had another insight (they're good for that). I decided that since I'm schooled in psychoneuroimmunology and neuroplasticity then why don't I start believing it. So I decided that I'm going to live past 43, that I'm not going to die just yet: I still have too much living yet to do. (Hence one of the reasons I'm getting back into alternative medicine: I want to live, so how can I support myself?)

That is so different from where I was last year, mainly because of these new meds, but partly because I was probably with the wrong person. I am very much a free spirit, one who loves to do things, one who creates her own destiny, and I spent the latter part of my marriage almost begging to live/be alive. I get that G-d/Creator threw us a lot of curve balls, but seriously now, we're here to live, not join the land of the dead. To be fully authentic, genuine and soul-filled, with all the ups and downs life throws one. Now out of respect for the other person involved, I won't go into detail or claim it's her fault. It's not. I was the one that also chose to "light myself on fire" to get noticed. Hence where the title of this entry comes in. When I was driving home last night, I heard the (new to me) Eminem/Rhianna song - I had to pull over because it basically described the ending of our marriage: "just gonna stand there and watch me burn, and that's alright cuz I like the way it hurts."

G-d I feel so grateful to throw away the matches. I feel a new life in me that I don't have to do that anymore. I feel 10 feet tall, I feel that my sparkle in my eyes is back - and people just notice it, without begging. Not to sound cocky, but with my new hair style etc. the past 2 weeks people have been telling me how incredible I'm looking. It's only reflecting what's going on in me: it only reflects how I feel. I'm no longer burning up!

Hence the decision that I'm not going to die anytime soon. It's not about denial, it's about my belief in neuroplasticity. I teach my clients every single day that their lives and behaviour can change if they change their thinking (and I show them how) so why can't I change my body, my attitude to want life again? Put the matches down, and live. It is such a relief. I was sharing with my guys research on survival and the power of the mind and hope with regards to Holocaust survivors. Those with hope (and "luck") survived... The spirit is so incredibly resistant. I see people day in and day out suffering incredible losses. Those that make it are willing to work through it, have faith and hope. Those that aren't connected to a greater sense of *something* don't make it. I don't want to be one of those, and for years I wasn't one of those. There is no biological/medical reason I've lived this long. Sure, I've got great collateral circulation, but that only accounts for 10 to 20 years of living beyond birth. It's always been my spirit (or, as some call it, my stubbornness). I will be stubborn and keep a hold of that character defect thank you kindly, it has served me well! The other defects have been melting away over the past 7 months. Maybe that's where the release comes from?

So, I pick up my joie de vivre where I left it: Today I went for a walk in my favourite forest with someone that doesn't need begging to go out, despite her incredible work schedule. Excitedly, I wrote last week that she showed me her favourite greenspot (espace vert preferer), so this weekend I showed her my favourite greenspot. I'm not sure what will come of this and even if it doesn't get serious, I am enjoying washing my soul of the matches. I'm enjoying feeling alive again! There's only one reason to burn in flames: with passion, not desperation. I feel sad (but relieved) for the me I'm leaving behind (that's all I knew for several years). I feel even more sad for the ex who's still there: it must be really hard being lost. I wish her peace and serenity and meaning in life.