Sunday, October 17, 2010

living her words/ living my words

Not quite sure what to write lately - just feeling very blessed - living, breathing, being well-ish enough. I'm having moments of pain, but am able to cope with it. I guess it's "easier" now that my lowered baseline of the past year or two has been the new norm. Well, my norm. I know not to expect much. That doesn't mean I'm giving up, rather recognizing that "it could be worse" (I could have to use a cane again, most of the time- and right now, I'm not!!). It's still some getting used to for la femme francaise but I'm getting a sense that it's "ok". The thing about dating at this age (and hers) is that health issues flare up, unlike when you're young and in your 20s raring to go with nothing the heck wrong with you. At our ages there are bad knees, arthritis etc. that creep in. Boy am I ever grateful for that! That and being with someone who accepts that everything after trauma (or who's been through their own wars, literally) is manageable - not like, "a walk in the park" but, a gift nonetheless.

Yes, she now knows about my DNR, and more health stuff but little by little she hasn't run away, only grabbed my hand in support. I'm beginning to believe that I've been forgiven by my Creator for breaking my vows/my promise to my Creator (maybe not to my ex yet). What I was wrestling with on Yom Kippur seems to be slowly resolving itself, not without pain and reflection, but perhaps a gentle acceptance or letting go that sometimes we do turn our backs on g-d and that like a parent that will always love their child (whether they like them or not), I am also accepted as a child of the Divine - that I too make mistakes. Afterall, it's the same Creator that put la femme francaise in front of me when S/He did. What a gift, what a way to say "you're allowed to be happy KAt, you're allowed to move on, you failed this person but here's yet another chance". At least, that's what I've been getting in my last few meditations.

Another friend reminded me tonight of something I said in July "we're not together but I'm together". I was amazed that it was I that spoke those words - and that someone who also went through a major break-up is going around quoting me! Some days I wonder who's standing in the mirror! This was not me 3 years ago on a dark night in November, or even a year ago. So much has changed - some very painful stuff has happened, but nothing that has killed my spirit, only made it stronger. And yes I will add "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

Work is good, stress is increasing as a direct co-worker is leaving and my workload will double again - however I am getting much better at handling stress and anxiety - to the point that I'm very sensitive to other friends' inability to deal with stress and anxiety- I end up needling their ears just to help. I am grateful to offer such a gift (and have been gifted with that training from work). My close friends have put up with a lot of late-night crying, self-pity, pain, etc. from me earlier this year that I feel so fortunate to be able to offer such meager gifts (not that friendship is a score card, but separation/divorce/grief tore a few strips off me that I really couldn't get through without them and want to offer my gifts back: perhaps taking care of the ears that listened to me all these months!). In my own world am so fortunate to have benefits to pay someone to help me relax (massage, accupuncture, etc.) if I'm not able to get their on my own (be it through whichever self-care means I choose). Anti-stress is essential when you're looking to optimize your health. And my life is SO full, I mean SO full that I don't have time to let stress get the better of me. I forgot how much time relationships take!