Saturday, November 20, 2010

I'm a femme, not handy, not able-bodied

I'm a little cranky today... realizing I don't have much help. I used to live in illusion called community. I think said community really meant being married to a handy-person. I can count on one hand how many of those old dyke friends have called me in the past 4 months. For social or otherwise. And yet I can't do things alone. And mundane day to day shit, shit that just needs to be done. I'm not talking about renovating my home or making things pretty but just shit that's got to be done. Like for example, last month I was gifted with some beautiful Hostas from a friend only to bring them home to realize I can't dig. I can't do it - something as simple as taking a shovel to ground - most healthy people take that for granted - but I just can't do it. I know, I've tried and I get about 2 inches into the earth after much effort. So said wonderful Hostas went to my neighbour: I obviously didn't think it through. I am alone!

And it's in the small things that I notice it. Since I've been left with this house I've rented both rooms to not loose it but the rental just barely covers the basics. I am underpaid at work and normally I wouldn't be resentful because my meds are covered 100% but the past 2 months I've become resentful because I am doing the job of 2 people and nothing's being done about it (well, I'm sure they are interviewing but the applicants have been slim: who wants to do what we do: group therapy, case-management, individual therapy; and be paid peanuts. I digress, my point is I cannot afford to hire plumbers or electricians etc. for the small things that the Ex (being handy that she is) used to do. The basement bathroom has been out of order for over 2 months, same for the dimmer in the basement etc. etc.

And maybe it's because I'm burnt or maybe because I hear through the grapevine community-folk helping community out again and I'm getting so resentful. When's it going to be my turn? Those Wed. nights I'm lugging overweight trash to the curb I think to myself: till death do us part eh? Yeah, 'till she doesn't feel like working anymore. Yeah I was a nag - someone had to beg. Even 2 weeks before our wedding we had a fight: yeah I was sick of doing all the arrangements. From making and designing the dresses to doing the hand-made invitations, arranging seating, thank you cards, arranging the potluck, securing a site, companies etc. etc. all she had to do was show up in said dress with her vows. That's it. Oh and make the ring pillow. I was afraid the wedding would reflec the marriage - oh, and it did! She had it so easy with me. I was her social calendar, I introduced her to everyone I knew, I introduced her to bowling, she married into a house, stability and family values. That's the problem when you just give freely to people, they just take everything for granted and take you down. In the process I gave myself up for nothing but broken love. Not even anything nourishing.

And so now I'm left with a tonne of bricks and luggin out the overweight garbage myself. Someone living with heart-failure luggin out garbage...cut me some slack, today I am not practicing acceptance very well. I'm cranky - I'm doing all the self-care I could possibly do (even had a massage after work today) and damn it I'm alone. It's no wonder my yard has gone to shits. My house is slowly following. It's just too physical for me to do.