I'm working so hard at keeping myself alive, being able to continue to work and breath and move around in this world that it's becoming so tiring.
I haven't taken my BP in a while, or my pulse rate. I know the numbers have been going up (resting pulse) and down (BP) and have been avoiding "seeing" it - keep myself in denial that much longer. There are days at work I have a very hard time. There's so much stress, I am in effect doing the job of almost 2 people. Yet again we are short staffed, actually 2 people down on our team, and one other counsellor short over on my side. I am burning out. I knew I've been heading down this road so upped my massages etc. to twice a month to get me through this crunch, more bubble baths, even a retreat thrown in there for good measure. Yet the stress is still getting to me.
I am not as jovial, just sluggish, and right now, not working one bit. I should be catching up on case notes but cannot recall a thing from the session. My mind is as heavy as my heart-beat. It's during times like this I wish I was still friends with my Ex. (well, aside from wanting peace and still loving the person, etc.) I wish I knew how to get a 98 beats per minute resting pulse rate down... without the aerobic exercise (as suggested when I Googled the topic). I can't be doing aerobics - my Dr. Cardio man forbids it, besides, 2 flights of stairs can be aerobic enough. Not sure how I can elevate my BP where it was an 88/56 last night. I look back at my records and they continue to decrease despite my efforts at health. And I feel it at work too. I could be in the middle of group, get up to right ont he white board and I feel like I'm about to collapse. I've tailored my teaching style somewhat and count myself as lucky that I am with a small group where I can teach pretty much sitting. My last position at this facility I could not, I had an audience, and a hard-core energy sucking unsafe street-level group. I loved it but couldn't be "on" all the time.
But now because of these designer drugs I can't even do whatever I want when it comes to herbal supplements. Almost everything's been refused from my Naturopath from my Cardio NP.
I have another appointment again tonight. It might be my last if there's no treatment plan. She says she actually has something that was OK'd by them. I cannot believe that even my prophylactic use of vit C (2,000mg/day in winter) was refused because it apparently affects the meds that much. Hm, interesting commentary from the same cardiologists that don't "believe" herbs etc., can actually do anything.