Tuesday, November 9, 2010

numbers are so binary

In exactly 4 months today I will be 38. I am absolutely beside myself that I am this "old". It's also starting to scare me again. Every so often I Google Truncus Arteriosus just to read what's out there. Some medical journal at some Mass. University made me laugh the other day. It's fun (but sad) to read that adulthood (20s & 30s) for TA patients is an improbability. I spent some time showing la femme francaise these articles, not to scare her but for humour: oh they say they don't live past xx eh: hm I'm right here, or am I? So I laugh, laugh at science because it's not the end-all-be-all. It's not 'proof'. I laugh because I'm still breathing, proving them all wrong. Then some days when I feel weary and tired, I get very sad and scared recognizing that I am pushing even the limits of what is known. To be 38 (OK, in 4 months- I really shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch though) with this and still working, breathing, laughing, loving, living is an incredible miracle. Some days I'm so filled with gratitude that it will be me that will probably (stubbornly) break the records for oldest TA patient when she dies. Other days I wish there were more like me - maybe get more information because I'm so tired of being in the dark (what can I take, do, what are the limits, etc.).

I'm working so hard at keeping myself alive, being able to continue to work and breath and move around in this world that it's becoming so tiring.
I haven't taken my BP in a while, or my pulse rate. I know the numbers have been going up (resting pulse) and down (BP) and have been avoiding "seeing" it - keep myself in denial that much longer. There are days at work I have a very hard time. There's so much stress, I am in effect doing the job of almost 2 people. Yet again we are short staffed, actually 2 people down on our team, and one other counsellor short over on my side. I am burning out. I knew I've been heading down this road so upped my massages etc. to twice a month to get me through this crunch, more bubble baths, even a retreat thrown in there for good measure. Yet the stress is still getting to me.

I am not as jovial, just sluggish, and right now, not working one bit. I should be catching up on case notes but cannot recall a thing from the session. My mind is as heavy as my heart-beat. It's during times like this I wish I was still friends with my Ex. (well, aside from wanting peace and still loving the person, etc.) I wish I knew how to get a 98 beats per minute resting pulse rate down... without the aerobic exercise (as suggested when I Googled the topic). I can't be doing aerobics - my Dr. Cardio man forbids it, besides, 2 flights of stairs can be aerobic enough. Not sure how I can elevate my BP where it was an 88/56 last night. I look back at my records and they continue to decrease despite my efforts at health. And I feel it at work too. I could be in the middle of group, get up to right ont he white board and I feel like I'm about to collapse. I've tailored my teaching style somewhat and count myself as lucky that I am with a small group where I can teach pretty much sitting. My last position at this facility I could not, I had an audience, and a hard-core energy sucking unsafe street-level group. I loved it but couldn't be "on" all the time.
But now because of these designer drugs I can't even do whatever I want when it comes to herbal supplements. Almost everything's been refused from my Naturopath from my Cardio NP.

I have another appointment again tonight. It might be my last if there's no treatment plan. She says she actually has something that was OK'd by them. I cannot believe that even my prophylactic use of vit C (2,000mg/day in winter) was refused because it apparently affects the meds that much. Hm, interesting commentary from the same cardiologists that don't "believe" herbs etc., can actually do anything.

That's the other stress in my life right now... the legal journey is beginning and it's stressing me right out. My life is quite binary at the moment: lots of good: la femme francaise and I are heading to Quebec City for a romantic weekend-getaway later this week and yet the old love of my life and I are no longer on speaking terms (unless through a hired professional). At work I'm becoming really comfortable in my new position (my boss called me a rock star last week) but on the other hand it's a source of great stress right now requiring much more than I can give. It seems to be good or bad - whatever happened to all the grey-zones? I suppose life is about finding balance in the extremes. I dislike binaries.