Friday, December 17, 2010

Cardio appointment: not stable

So I had my winter Cardio appointment the other day. It did not go well - well... it did, in that the results of what my designer drugs are doing are fabulous. I can work... yeeee!!! But, I can't travel... booo!

Apparently I am not stable enough to travel. Which sucks because I have another item on my bucket list planned: Israel. And now Cardio-man is saying I can't go. He's saying that the last few ER visits mean something (even if some people think it's manipulation: what do they know, they are not cardiologists!). He says that the stress that's getting to me does pose a real danger. People have had real heart attacks because of stress, people have died because of stress. He wants to see the stress levels decrease, or at least it's impact on my body lessened.

That recent trip to the ER, with chest pains etc. - that same trip that I was accused of manipulating - was a concern for Dr. Cardio man. To him this is all serious. Stress can kill- I know that, commercials tell us that, most people know that, yet some medics think they know everything because they work in medicine for 2 decades. I encourage any who even thinks for one second I use my health to milk support to spend 10 minutes with my Dr. Cardio man - an actual doctor, a man who's spent his life dealing with cardiac patients. Not some judgemental folks who have nothing better to do than judge me for what they do no understand. Just 10 minutes.... that's all I ask!!

Yes, I am astounded. I am amazed that others who are healthy enough to not understand, judge. Judge me, my need and desire to have a tribe, to experience that sense of belonging that others so freely get, to experience that sense of living without limits that most people take for granted. I don't think I'd be questioned as much if I was in a wheelchair or walked with crutches everywhere - in fact, people might actually be politically correct and try to avoid judging or challenge themselves on issues of dis/ability.
But I have limits and needs. My limits are real and I can't do everything alone.

On the one hand I'm being told I'm not stable enough right now - these episodes are taken seriously yes, but. On the other hand I'm told to put the trip off until I'm more stable. However, I'm also being told that time is limited. It's been almost 2 years since I started counting full moons (since I was admitted to the heart-hospital). I am astounded where I'm at today. I appear healthy, and yes, I can work full time again, walk without that cane, have less edema etc. but the Dx hasn't changed. I am still declining. I still have more and more limitations imposed on me but now with less and less support. I continue to ask questions. There are no clear answers. He only continues to tell me that "I'm a pioneer and they don't know" but that my recent trips (to the ER) tell a lot.

So, I could go (to Israel) and take a big risk. At least if I die, it will be in Israel - I could be buried in my spiritual homeland. If I don't go and wait, I keep declining and may never be stable enough to live out my bucket list.

Or I could go, and nothing could happen. It's a really big risk... risks like this that "normal" people don't have to weigh.