Sunday, December 26, 2010

saying what I mean

I'm at a place I was almost 2 years ago, emotionally anyway. Well, sorta. Two years ago when I was in the "heart hospital" I was given new to me information: that I was now in heart failure. And so even though it's difficult to tell "how long" one has, they did give me a range: a few years left (whatever few means is up to the universe, the individual etc. to interpret). So here it is a few (2) years later and as much as I'm working full time, no longer walk with a cane, etc. I'm facing new limits - because of where I'm at.

Two years ago it was a bit 'easier' to accept what was going on. I love life, I don't ever feel ready to die, or to tie it all up (who does?) but I could come to some sort of peace inside knowing that I was with "the life of my life" (at the time) and felt that ok, if it's coming, at least I've been able to have 8ish years with her (at the time). Although there was eternal love, we weren't that happy (no surprise). Not that any of that made it easier to accept limits and eventual death, but it did in an eery kind of way.

Today I'm not in the same place. I am happy, very happy, in a new relationship that has barely had time to get off the ground and am feeling very robbed. At least if the end happened with the Ex, I gave her many many years. With la femme francaise I feel like I am abandoning her. I have a great sense of guilt. I know it's her choice to be in a relationship with me at the late stage of my life. Every time she chooses to show up and stay - not out of pity. There's love: kind, wholesome, giving and patient love - on both our parts. It's easy. And it's sad. So soon in a relationship with this many restrictions - shit we haven't even discovered the world yet. My Ex got my "best" years (physical health). A while ago I would have been very resentful over that. I'm starting to come to peace with it. It still feels unfair, that la femme francaise gets the scraps, the left-overs with growing limitations. Right when we're at the beginning of a relationship, the ending of my life is forced to the forefront (shit, 2 ER visits in 5 weeks with her?!). Anyway, my Ex knows how I feel about her - I still love her, even though we broke 'it'. How can you throw away 11 years?. That's the thing with hospitals and growing symptoms, you say what you need to say because with no remission for what I have, one never knows. So even though it was la femme that brought me, it was I that called the Ex to come because I had some important stuff to say to her.