Tuesday, April 27, 2010

moving on

So I haven't written much lately for several reasons. One of which is that I am extremely busy between school and work that I don't even have time for Facebook (aside from the 10min visit to see how every one's doing via status update). Another reason is because I'm a little stuck in what to write about. I've been doing lots of academic writing that this free-flowing experiential stuff's got me stumped right now!

The final reason, that has the most impact is that several weeks ago someone very close to me (no one knows this person!) challenged me. I'm finding that since that day I'm walking a very fine line in writing about living with the limitations of illness versus just plain pity seeking. I've never wanted pity from anyone. I've wanted to be understood, but not pitied.

So, when I approach this blog to write about challenges to house-keeping, living etc. with what I've got I wonder, "what's the point". If this one person sees it this way, could it be that other people do to (don't answer that, I'm not writing for answers). Perhaps what this person said should, in the end, have no bearing on what I write. Perhaps this is yet again, another case of the healthy don't comprehend what it's like to live without health. Like, the other day I commented to a new friend how this summer will be a summer spent in the city. No more camping for me (right now anyway, until I meet someone else). And, of course, I got a blank stare. I had to explain, how, even with car-camping, the whole outdoors experience takes a lot out of me and that without a spouse (or g/f) I can't lug tent and gear from car, even if it is only 15 feet away . Setting up tent tuckers me out. I would be blue the rest of the weekend. I feel like I'm trying to "convince" people, that no, 15 feet IS a long way to lift heavy equipment, and that NO I CAN'T do it, no matter how much you poke me and say "aw c'mon KAt it's just a tent!" People don't want to hear it. But, I should be used to that by now right? Not really. I was lucky that I had people around me who knew, or if they didn't know, would be polite and accepting that sure, despite what I look like, I hae limitations. When you have new people in your life you have to explain everything all over again. I am tired of doing it, but when I don't I find I'm being bugged for being a poor sport not joining in in their fun.

I've also realized that this year I won't have a garden, the weeds are already out and I've not plucked them. I wonder who I will get to do my lawn. It's those things that healthy people take for granted: the ability to go camping! I'm sure I could bug my mother once in a while, but my parents are no spring chickens either. Otherwise, there's been no one else around, no one else that's even half as close as a spouse was. I'm making new friends and I just don't want to have to start the whole health-disclosure thing all over again. So, these people have absolutely no idea just how fragile I am. It's hard turning down invites to go dancing because I can't actually dance nor do I have the energy to stand all night. It makes for a lonely life. Makes me think seriously about that Phd. I am after all juggling work and school now. I'm also seriously thinking of moving into an apartment. I can't handle having a yard. With spending nearly one fifth of my income on these meds (thankfully I have some coverage), I'm not sure I will be able to afford snow clearing next winter. We were freakin' lucky that we had next to no snow this past short winter.

So, I'm living in this new world, filled with newness but carrying the same old burden of heart disease, but this time alone. I'm the only one at my cardio appointments now, the only one looking at my notes, ECT's and not understanding and not being able to get clarification from my ex-medic-ex. My cardio-nurse has expressed concern that know one else has "access" to me (whatever that means). Ya, I'll just give my parents power of attorney and access to my files. NOT. Never in a million years.

Every day I deal with homeless addicted men. Nine times out of ten when we retrace steps to their downfall, a divorce is usually in the picture. Now whether the end of a marriage came before or after their full throttle battle of substances is not relative. The loss of that kind of support means a loss of a relationship of course, a social community, social standing, sometimes job-loss, loss of children, loss of love, loss of a dream and loss of a sense of family. The impact of divorce on this society is so devastating. My wish for future generations is this: spend the money on couple therapy. It is always worth it; even when you think you can't afford it. You can't afford divorce more. Trust me. Divorce takes so much more away than the ending of a relationship. When you're sick, you're doubly screwed. Be it sick with physical illness, or mental, in the case of substance abuse (yes, it is a mental illness according to the DSM-IV). (get this, the apa wanted to put codependency in the upcoming dsm-v but realized after much debate that to do that would mean that every human could be found in there; which; imo everyone already is). And also just to clarify, I'm not blaming divorce on these men's substance abuse issues. There are loads of other traumas that are at the heart of the need to escape ... however, marriage did provide a stability that they once had to be able to cope with said trauma. The breakdown of a marriage in the case of my homelss guys, almost always lead to homelessness which plays havock with addiction issues (usually spiralling it out of control- then again, there is no such notion of control when it comes to addiction).

I never 'believed in' divorce then, and I still don't. It is devastating on so many levels, for so many people involved, not just the couple.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Cardio day

I had my cardio appointment today... seems like my liver is doing just fine with these new meds. Keineinhore.
My kidneys could use some supporting. It hasn't helped that I've eaten mainly work food since Dec.

Of course, Cardio-man reminded me how much of tax-payers' money is going to help me breath better.... no comment.

I've had a very morally stretching day at work, this is all I have left.