Wednesday, February 9, 2011

1 month to go

In one month from today it'll be my birthday, and since the 2nd/3rd time in the er this winter I haven't had a day without thinking about death.
The anxiety about it is killing me - no pun, really. I've asked my acupuncturist to and anxiety points to the treatment. She adds that anxiety is also physiological - the body panics when it doesn't get enough nutrients, O2, etc. etc. Well then, that all makes sense because my sitting O2 sats (at work, without O2) are low and getting lower.
I know I have a tendency to worry but this winter has not been an easy one, huffing and puffing at work; not having any energy for anything after work; not being able to concentrate and even fighting fainting spells in sessions (good old trick: drop the pen, forces your head down to get blood back to it). Yeah, I'm revisiting this need to work thing... but it's not an option right now.

I suppose I could start looking at the good: I never in all my life thought I would see 2011. To the point that when I bought my car last year I only bought it's permit sticker for one year instead of two because I didn't want to waste the money. Well, yesterday I renewed my plates (and licence) and wondered why on earth I didn't (it's not like me, I tend to be organized when it comes to stuff like that), that's when it hit me: I start thinking of "no future". Just like 6 months ago when I saw that a new walmart would be opening up near my place and the opening date said Jan. 2011. I wondered if I would see it open. I thought the same when I heard that we are getting Canada's biggest Ikea in the spring: would I be around to see that. Well, I still don't know about Ikea. Sure it's only 5 months away but I learned as a child to never, ever count your chickens before they hatch. This is where I learned a thing or two about ICON-ing. And for that alone I am grateful to my parents. Prepare for the worst and don't bet on the best until it's secured.
That doesn't make me a pessimist, au contraire, I feel more optimistic than I have in a long time (not about my health, but life, it's wonder and beauty).