Wednesday, February 23, 2011

no longer normal

This is a slow moving illness....I'm dying. I've been dying for years.
I'm in heart failure.... I've been in heart failure for (2) years.
I'm working my ass off, trying to be a regular person, getting certified at work. For what? Non of it means anything any more. I'm using my last energies helping people but I'm not helping myself.
But I can't afford to not work.
I'm killing myself, or rather, taxing myself, for what? A paycheck? To live comfortably for a little while. Like I'm really comfortable coming home only to spend all night within a 7 foot radius of my O2 compressor. G-d forbid I have to go downstairs to get something to eat.
Yes, I'm having a bad day, a bad week. Work is not worth it anymore. Without my boss there, I am the senior person on the team and I'm breaking quickly. This is my life, not just my mental health.
Decisions have to be made fast.
And I have no energy.

My respiratory therapy therapist is coming tomorrow. Curious to know my actual sitting O2 readings because if my mid-morning slump without O2 at work are any indication, they're low. My eyes have petechiae every day now when I'm not wearing my O2. I don't like this.
This is too soon.... I thought I could have at least another year at work (ok, I'd sell a part-time position by summer). But with the way things are going, the fact that I'm doing case notes at at off hours because there's NO time I feel like I can't keep doing this. I'm just having an all round sucky week of working overtime, having NO energy and no ability to do *anything* and wondering what I'm doing and why.

I guess it's hitting me just how sick I am and how I can't really hide it anymore. The thing is, I don't think I was trying to hide it so much from others, but from myself. And as much as others may not be totally aware of it, I am completely aware of it now. I can no longer hide it from myself. And when I can't fool myself, it's bad. I'm tired. In all the years of writing I've never used the tag "tried" (I know I just checked) and today I am tired.
Not of living
just of working so freaking hard to catch a breath, to be "normal".
I can't be measured by a regular measuring stick anymore. I need the "disability" or special stick to be measured by. I give-in, I can't