Sunday, March 27, 2011

I am home!

I am home and in one piece... everything else is a little worse for wear. I am grateful the flight from Chicago was only an hour and a half. It was getting difficult to breath and I know I've surely created some damage (signs of liver congestion for sure). I see my Dr. Cardio man in a few weeks, my regular doctor this week. I am tired, drained, grateful to be with my two little fury creatures. I can't find my meds (DD) and have no more left from the trip if I can't find the new box (ordered so I'd have some upon my return). Normally I can find them within an hour, retrace my steps. This trip has been so traumatizing both physically and emotionally that I have no clue where they are. This is the worst time to be without them. I thought the nightmare would end being back on Canadian soil. Apparently not. March was supposed to be a month of great shifts and changes. There are changes occurring for sure, just not the ones I ever imagined entering this month. I'm too tired for this but will continue trucking on because that's what I do. Facing a big limitation - of not having the ability to complete one of my bucket-list items hasn't even been processed yet. I was in survival mode, just searching for lower ground and getting the hell outta there and hack home. Not being able to complete this latest activity also drives home everything my Dr. Cardio man and NP were trying to drill in to my head: you're not well enough to travel. No more flights? I like to think I still can be the reality is this city is my life (with the exception of weekend driving trips etc.). Even then, there's so much more to travelling than just getting in the car like when I was a young neo-hippy: get & go. (oh dear, the broken English of the south has 'gotten' to me). I used to not know what was worse: being trapped in a foreign land where if something happens to you no one cares, or being trapped (limited to a day's drive of) here in this boring little town. I know for certain this is the right place to be. Even if something happens to me in the middle of nowhere Canada, I know I will be cared for. Thanks to our mildly socialized influences on health care (and care for people in general) I feel safe and secure here. This truly is the best country in the world. (Even our religious extremists pale to comparison in the deep south: they have guns there!). Early on in our trip when we were stuck in northern Tx, we tried to limit our stops there as much as possible: it's a large state to cross so we were stuck there for nearly 2 days, we had to eat at one point so we hit a road-side dinner. When we walked in, both of us pale white, both with short hair and me with my little rolly O2 machine, peoples' tanned heads/hats really did turn. There were only 3 other women in that diner and 2 of 'em were serving. Of course, in meat country "vegetarian" in a blasphemy so I just ordered salad (which all had meat in!). It is oil country (the sight of the oil pumps littering the landscape was surreal) and the stench in the air was making breathing challenging (again). That was probably the most unsafe I've felt in a long time (the only other time was when I worked at a store downtown here and was robbed. I later found out that it really was a gun in his jacket and not his hand. I quit the next day. So all this to say I'm greiving yet another loss: the ability to move around freely. To go where I thought I could go now that I can afford to travel a bit. Nope, that's not in my cards. Neither are half my dreams I had walking into this month. I return to work tomorrow, with no DD meds, and perhaps without a job. I am bracing myself for whatever comes.