Wednesday, March 2, 2011

It's March

It's March - a time of return of the light - the lengthening of days, the rise in temperatures and the sun's distance to us is much, much closer. March has always been a time of flurry for me. With all my siblings as well as myself being born in March it seemed, as a child anyway, that we were always celebrating someone. Then I grew up, met other Pisces and the partying continued. (not in the substance-use-abuse sense). At this age it's a different kind of celebration: making it through another winter. Sure, in this part of the country there are still winter snow storms, well into April actually, but they have a different taste to them: there's a sweetness of warming sun that usually follows the storm. It gives hope to squishy-sticky mud and cold-spring showers along with the anticipation of tulips and the sight of the first pussy-willows under the white blanket of melting snow in the backyard. I have neither pussy-willows nor tulips planted. My spring is marked by increased pain in my hand. You see the mild weather triggers my rheumatoid arthritis - yet one more condition brought on by lack of circulation in the body.

But all this also brings hope and renewal knowing that I've almost made it through another winter. I'm spoiled in my modern western world that I live in. I don't even have to walk longer than a block or two in my life of late. I am fortunate enough to have a car, yes I have a "disability pass" (which my lover calls my princess pass). I do not take the bus. I am a 'bad environmentalist'. However I am also 'disabled'. I am also a vegetarian. I read somewhere, in some green report years ago that the modern-western meat industry accounts for more greenhouse emissions that the sum total of all the cars on earth. So, being a vegetarian (for 21 years) basically renders my 21 years of driving a car. I'm carbon neutral. It may sound like I'm making light of our precious earth - I assure you I'm not. I was on all sorts of green committees in high school, sewed cloth bags at 16 long, long before this ever became a trend. But, I also recognize how much quality of life my driving has given me. I'm sure I've extended my life because of modern western conveniences. I say this while I reflect upon the less than 50 feet of snow I had to walk in today. My crew at work went to our work's cottage for a little team-retreat. There's been some major overhauling in our department and it was about time we took a little break. But, because it's in the country the lane way wasn't plowed after Monday night's big snow storm. So, we walked up the snow-covered lane way carrying all of our food supplies. Of course I had a hard time. I don't push myself anymore, not to the point of keeping up with the regular 2-valved folk. (I push myself because I never want to give up, the day I give up is the day this miraculous system stops working). Something a friend said, or rather texted me just a few days ago, in the middle of my work melt-down, really really sank in. It's helping me make wise-decisions, asking myself if what I am about to choose is worth my life, because that's what it's coming down to.

So today I am looking at getting through this (work upheaval) one day at a time, learning to say no but being prepared about the possible outcome. But If I don't say no to them, I'm saying no to my life. There's too much yet to do, and where I'm at now, some of my bucket list dreams are starting to become a possibility. Sorta. I found my dream car/jeep. At a price I can afford (although I'm not sure I want to own 2 vehicles). I am just waiting on the OK for travel to one of my bucket-list places. I found portable O2, and I'm sick enough that I will continue to be funded. So, living my dreams will require swallowing a lot of pride as I move into wearing O2 a lot more often. Some days I'm not sure I'm willing to swallow that steadfast pride, other days I look at my love, la femme that treats me like I've always known I deserve, la femme that brings out the gentle wonder that I am, I look at her and say yes to the O2, realizing that it will give me MORE time with her. And that's exactly what I want: MORE. (Coincidentally, for our 3month I found a card in a spiritual shop by my work that had one of the chakra centres filling the cover and on it in Tibetan-type script is said, most appropriately "more..." Inside it said "more time, more laughter, move love" and even though I've been declining again, I want more with her. MORE! I pray for a spring plateau that lasts the rest of the year. I pray to see 38 (even though it is "only" a week away). I pray for more...