Wednesday, March 16, 2011

march- big shifts

It's been a hectic few weeks. There are many times I've wanted to write... much life life-impacting choices have been made, new directions etc. But I just haven't had the time. I'm going away on vacation and it just seems that everything that needs closure in my life needs it before I go away. My thesis has finally been approved for publication... only after like 4 revisions in the last 3 weeks alone, never mind the past 3 months! This thing has consumed my life for far too long and for the past 8 months it's been nonstop. In the end it's twice as long as it should have been but was accepted because during one of the earlier edits, I cut everything down to their word allotment and my supervisor had a hissy.... saying all the good stuff was gone. So approval for double the words was sought. Thanks goodness cuz I've been running on empty for a long time. I wanted to see this thing approved and done with around the same time that la femme was done her promotional course. But, alas, my APA just wasn't up to par. Oh those spaces and hyphens. But, it's in and my application for graduation is in. Finally. It's not all secured and I'll be expecting something when I come back - because that's just how Murphy works in my life. He never got the divorce papers.

Speaking of that.... on my birthday I decided to finally grant myself some closure. I've heard through the grapevine that she wants closure but of course she's doing nothing about it. So off to divorce court I went. That and she never sent me a birthday greeting. Silence was always her weapon of choice and it seems it's still being used. For the first time in 11 years not one greeting. Even last year she sent me a card. I miss my once best friend, but what can I do- I'm forced to move on since she won't have it. Someone said to me recently that "I won". On the outside everything looks great: I'm in a new relationship, I'm still working at a job I (used to) love, I have the house, etc. etc. So why is it after the application I felt so empty, so defeated? I sat in the family court's waiting room sobbing into my jacket. I have no shame in my tears but snot running out my nose is a whole other thing. As I tried to regain composure, to muster up a little bit of strength to return to my car, an old lady walked by saying "it gets better dear, it just takes time". I thought about what that friend said about me wining. No one won here. This isn't even a race or competition. I lost just as much as she did. I lost my marriage, my wife, my family, my best friend and my soul mate. Just because someone new is in my life does not take away from the loss and devastation that I too went through. The only difference is that I have the drive to get back up again. I didn't "win" I worked my ass of spiritually, and otherwise to become a person that would attract a woman like la femme francaise. A client said to me the other day, success isn't about the things you win, concur, have etc. it's about how your deal with your losses, set backs, devastation. He couldn't have had better timing. I chose to face my devastation and let it strengthen my already strong-ass spirit. So I used that strength to declare my loss legally.

On the level of great things happening in March, la femme francaise finally met my family (I met her last month). Yes... I can tell she's approved by my mother because they spoke almost exclusively in French. My siblings said after that it was so nice to hear my mother speak French (she doesn't with us- perhaps because our French sucks). It can't be that bad, since a few days ago la femme and I had a miss-understanding all in French. Miss-understanding aside, I couldn't believe I could express myself when sad, using about 95% French. And she understood! But that doesn't indicate that the French was actually any good! (My housemates don't understand french so that's our 'safe language'.)

So much emotionally significant shifts happening that we've decided to take bigger decisions off the table. I've continued to work. She's continued to live in her house. Work has only gotten crazier. After my boss got let go, someone else on my team quit a few weeks ago. As of this week yet another person is on stress leave. We are down to bare bones and as much as it's a very bad time to go away and leave only 3 other people to run 5 programs, the only thing I can do without outright quitting at this point would be to go away and recharge.

I am looking forward to the desert. I've had this trip on my bucket list for 20 years, literally. Aside from landing in the big city, once we're outta there I hope to not encounter another group of people (larger than 20) again until the other side of the desert where we fly out - and that is completely possible. I was a little disappointed to not get a blue jeep to rent, but apparently there are lots of off road Jeep Wrangler desert-day rentals. We'll be spending our 7th full moon in the desert. This trip I'll have a portable O2 compressor so no more dealing with tank-exchanges. I'm so excited....