Friday, June 24, 2011

chronic pain

It dawned on me the other day when I was coming home from an acupuncture session that I spend a lot of time in pain these days. The rest of that time is spent around trying to avoid it, treat it or figure it out. And yet I've never mentioned it to my doctor. Pain seems trivial when I have so many other things on the go - but pain affects my quality of life. And I wonder what it's impact is on the heart muscle that has to send out more "pain soothing ocytocin-like" hormones/signals/coping mechanisms. Hm. So as I remind myself of all the side-effects of Endometriosis I realize it's a much bigger problem - in me anyway- than it should be. People think it means painful periods but over the years it has also affected my sciatica, my bowels, my lower back, hip bones, etc. So this Mirena in me better work wonders because between my belly button and my thighs all I feel all the time since it was inserted has been pain. It's a deep pain that can't be rubbed out (I go for massage therapy, acupuncture, etc.). It hurts to walk, sit, lie down, drive home - you get the picture. I have become really bloated and of course my skin is breaking out like I'm a teeanager. All of the listed side-effects are happening, including the increased palpitations. Fun. I give this thing 5 more months and if it's not worth the effects, it's coming out.

One day it would be really nice to have some relief - to not have any possible health issue happen to me. I am not seeking pity and don't enjoy self-pit as a habit from the past, but living in a container that doesn't feel so damn uncomfortable would be really nice for a change. This pain combined with my general lack of energy does not allow for much to happen once I get home from work. My kitchen floor is less clean than I'd like (actually it's pretty icky even by other people's standards, since mine are a bit high). It's as if it's winter again: I come home, grab food and head up to my room. This up and down the stairs thing is tiring. I really need to down-size. I'm caught in a web where I've finally let go of this house (emotionally) but the finances, timing, etc. etc. are not playing nice. My family is unsupportive and say I'm rushing out. Must be nice to not have any physical limitations to consider when making a decision. I wonder what it's like to be totally healthy and give opinions from that place of privilege (judgement). Oh to dream.