Monday, June 13, 2011

just getting on with it.

So here we are two weeks into this new medication - an experiment - and I lost most of my weekend. I've spent the time curled up in a ball, in fetal position in tremendous pain, some of the worst in 18 months. If this type of pain continues (at the 6 month mark) I'm asking them to take this device out. I've lost count of the wicked palpitations. Many of which have taken my breath away.

I'm also gaining weight - which originally was a great thing for me, ms. skinny. However, I can't fit into half of my clothes, including some of my favourite dresses I made a few years back. I'm actually feeling big. I know I'm miles away from that, but I'm no longer "skinny". This is a little disconcerting because it's only been 2 weeks on this hormone. Hm.

Anyway, after the pain this weekend, I'm convinced that as much as I love this house, the decision to sell/leave is the right one. I could barely make it up the stairs. I can't keep avoiding going up and down all the time. So I've slowly been going through my stuff. Again. I did this a year ago, downsizing without direction. Today, it's a "joy" to get rid of stuff because now I'm making room for someone else. As I welcome my present/future, the letting go is getting a bit easier (although it's always a little tough to let go of much beloved stuff. We humans develop such attachment to our stuff, thinking we get comfort from it, when really it's the memories we are attached to).

Oh, ya, work.... has shifted. We finally got a new manager, which means I moved out of the main floor office I camped out in the past 3 months. I've moved to the basement which means I have to do stairs again, but it also affords me with more privacy (no window on my door). If I need to (during lunch or case notes) I can sit and suck on some O2. Thing is I'm usually in group or in session and don't actually have time. But the space is there and the tank is on me if I need to. I'm happy about that. I haven't told my new boss about my illness or at least, limitations, yet. I just updated her today of the colleague-harassment I've been experiencing the past 3 months. The last person that mentioned something about the condescending co-worker was let go. It's not government, there's no such thing as job security where I work. I took a risk. It's also weird because this boss was one of my students 10 years ago when I first started teaching at the college and was not yet trained in teaching nor did I have my masters at that point. Great first impression! And weird to have a former student (who was disruptive in class if I recall) as a boss.