Monday, July 25, 2011

weeds got the better of me today

Lately I haven't been writing a lot. I've been busy looking for another more suitable place to live, but I've also not been able to articulate the way I've been feeling towards this illness. I suppose two years ago I was adequately able to put feelings to screen mainly because they were fresh. It was easy to capture my dismay, sadness etc. when just out of the heart hospital the doctor says I get a couple of years. Then it was "easier" to write about my initial feelings. Now, not so much, perhaps because I've passed that 2 year mark - and when I did it felt like I was, yet again, proving the medical authorities wrong. Today, more than 2.5 years since that I don't feel like I'm winning. I am increasingly tired. My heart hurts a lot these days. My heart beat is in my throat, both sides are distended, often. I don't bother going for medical 'attention' because, really, what can they do? At this point NOTHING. Absolutely f-all. Every time I go to an ER, they don't even know what I have, I spend 12 hours there before they even say "hm, your potassium is too high, drink this". Then they tell me to see Dr. Cardio man who is already booked for November. I'll see him faster with my previously booked appointment. Canadian health care is great because it's free, but it would be nice to have some doctors around. Many are money hungry so off to the US they go to make mega bucks to buy toys rather than save our lives up here. I'm just really tired of our brain-drain. I'm tired of not getting answers and most of all I am tired or being tired.
I feel like crying every time I encounter another limit. Just this afternoon I sat on the back porch step, waiting for dinner to cook itself and I noticed some weeds by the little cedars I had planted a few years ago. I reached to pull out the 2 closests ones and found that I could barely do it, and once I did, I got dizzy and couldn't breath. Not 3 years ago I was at least able to plant vegetables, weed a little at my own pace at a seated position. Today, 2 weeds got the better of me. What else will get the better of me? How much do I have to loss? We're taking on a new mortgage and I pray that I am able to work another 2 years to contribute but quickly realizing the fingers are actually crossed to last another 2 months. My next cardio appointment (November) feels ages away. I wonder about those other drugs my Dr. Cardio man wants to put me on, wonder if they'll slow down the dying muscle because I do feel it dying. I am amazed at just how little I can do anymore, telling la femme Francaise that she really did get the shit end of the stick: it's not like with my ex who at least got some ability (camping, nature walks, gardening, etc.) out of me; but ma belle really gets nothing but company. I can't even go for an after dinner walk around the block. I hurt, my heart hurts. I want this dying process to slow down even further.