Saturday, August 20, 2011

My house, the manor

I currently live on a street that starts with M, so for the past 4.5 years this house has been dubbed the Mxoxox-manor. Well, the manor is being moved - or at least it's contents.

It's gone through so much in 4.5 years since my wife and I bought it. It's seen separations, death, fun, dinner parties, friends, break up/divorce and new love. It's witnessed a tranformation of energy from love to anger to love again (all for the same person). It's seen some lows, very lows, and some highs, oh so delicous highs. As I took a break from packing this week I realized that next week it will mark a year since I met la femme. My life is completely renverser (backwards/upside down) and that's totally ok because for the first time in a long time it feels right side up. I think back a year ago and life was about getting through - stretching the time in this house as long as possible. Well, I'm defeated to the stairs, and as a result in a matter of a few weeks we'll be buzzing around our new bungalow - together. No more commuting (mainly on her part). Now to find a workplace with no stairs (my office is in the basement) or to consider cutting work out. It's not something I want to do - we have way too many expenses with the new house, but I've also not felt strong - as in, I feel weaker and weaker and I know it's not just the heat of summer because there's been no intense heat/humidity. I know this is a new norm - something I'm not quite prepared to face. Something that's starting to affect my job. We had some pretty intense days lately and my heart felt too weak to deal with (my clients') rage at work. (It's after that day I called in sick).

Saying goodbye to this house is bitter sweet. There's so much beauty here. The trees we planted 3 years ago that I never thought I'd see grow. Well some of them are as tall as me now. It's wonderful to see. Sad, but wonderful. I have sadness when I think about starting over in a new garden and not being able to see the new trees grow. My mom already bought me a house-warming gift: one of my favourite trees - the (false) nootka. It's a drippy-everygreen cedar type west-coast tree. They remind me of souls with droopy arms. I want to see that thing grow. I'm actually looking forward to my next cardio apt. because I want to see if cardio-man is ready to put me on the heart drug that costs upwards 7k a month. Not looking forward to that, but feeling like I need something to slow the weakening of my heart. If the lung-drugs bought me 2 years, maybe those will buy me 2 more. I know full well that the less I do (work, lifting, physical) the "longer" I'll stick around. That's hard for a stubborn ox like myself.

I'm also excited, to be starting a whole new life (whatever it's length) with la femme. Her best-friend (ex-spouse) told me once, that it would take someone awfully special for her to sell her house (her safety/security). Well, we get keys to 'our house' in 12 days. Guess I'm that special ;) but I'm also that happy. I won't pretend that we haven't had a few downs on the roller-coaster ride but when I think about the slow, solid base that we started, I feel overwhelmingly blessed. All the work I did last year (and continued, but at a slower pace this year) really did allow love to blossom again. Who is that lucky, to have 2 great loves in one lifetime!