Friday, September 16, 2011
I am still moving around.
I left the "manor" and have been officially living at the "ranch"since the 10th. Wow, only 6 days there. La femme francaise is completely unpacked because, she's a self-described minimalist. I on the other hand, have dozens of boxes needing shelving. I read, I have hobbies and am creative. And all those supplies take s-p-a-c-e.
The house is virtually smoke-free now. We've spent thousands of dollars trying to get the smoke out - for my health of course. Any remaining whiffs of smoke are eaten up by our super-air-purifier.
I have been super tired the past 4 weeks. I'm only now realizing how run-ragged my lifestyle has been. My own therapist (whom I haven't had time for in a month) said last night (when I finally resurface) that she'd be pooped if she was doing all that I did, and she's healthy. So I've not only made decisions - finally- but I've actually acted on them.
I gave my resignation on to the college where I've been teaching about how creativity helps in healing. That's been MY course for the past 9 years. And now I've let it go... that was hard, but liberating. I am no longer 'the' it girl for creativity and recovery. Oh well.
My health is already thanking me. Maybe I can give myself more time.
So the next step... I talked to all the appropriate people (HR) about cutting my hours at my full-time job. I'm not yet willing to move to part-time, but I have asked for a 4 day week. Thirty-two hours is about all I can handle. I want energy to enjoy whatever time I have left. I still have a dedication to my work. In fact, I'm gladly attending more training next month. I just want to be able to do it well and breath easier.
Human resources had no problem with it, but said it's really my manager I need to speak with since she knows the work-load. HR also said that my benefits will stay the same. This in itself is a huge huge relief. My pulmonary hypertension drugs cost just too much. With Dr. cardio man wanting to look into heart meds in Nov. it would be scary (heart meds are double my lung meds!!). Honestly I was fearful approaching my manager. She is one of the those super-woman kind of women. She can do it all, and all so very well. Here I am telling her I can't do it all. She did say that there'd be come juggling to do but that she is glad I came to that conclusion. She said I have very high standards for myself and usually keep working at those standards. I told her it was hard for me to ask, that it required admitting that I couldn't do 100% and had to drop down to 80%. That's when she laughed and added that I've been giving 120%. Hm. It was nice to here that. I know I give a lot of myself, but always seem to have this image of me seeming like a slacker to everyone else (because of my obvious limitations). I really thought people (ok, co-workers) thought I wasn't pulling my share, or even, lazy. Not the case, not at all.
So that's my newest action.
I'm really proud of myself to step down to 80%.