Friday, June 24, 2011

chronic pain

It dawned on me the other day when I was coming home from an acupuncture session that I spend a lot of time in pain these days. The rest of that time is spent around trying to avoid it, treat it or figure it out. And yet I've never mentioned it to my doctor. Pain seems trivial when I have so many other things on the go - but pain affects my quality of life. And I wonder what it's impact is on the heart muscle that has to send out more "pain soothing ocytocin-like" hormones/signals/coping mechanisms. Hm. So as I remind myself of all the side-effects of Endometriosis I realize it's a much bigger problem - in me anyway- than it should be. People think it means painful periods but over the years it has also affected my sciatica, my bowels, my lower back, hip bones, etc. So this Mirena in me better work wonders because between my belly button and my thighs all I feel all the time since it was inserted has been pain. It's a deep pain that can't be rubbed out (I go for massage therapy, acupuncture, etc.). It hurts to walk, sit, lie down, drive home - you get the picture. I have become really bloated and of course my skin is breaking out like I'm a teeanager. All of the listed side-effects are happening, including the increased palpitations. Fun. I give this thing 5 more months and if it's not worth the effects, it's coming out.

One day it would be really nice to have some relief - to not have any possible health issue happen to me. I am not seeking pity and don't enjoy self-pit as a habit from the past, but living in a container that doesn't feel so damn uncomfortable would be really nice for a change. This pain combined with my general lack of energy does not allow for much to happen once I get home from work. My kitchen floor is less clean than I'd like (actually it's pretty icky even by other people's standards, since mine are a bit high). It's as if it's winter again: I come home, grab food and head up to my room. This up and down the stairs thing is tiring. I really need to down-size. I'm caught in a web where I've finally let go of this house (emotionally) but the finances, timing, etc. etc. are not playing nice. My family is unsupportive and say I'm rushing out. Must be nice to not have any physical limitations to consider when making a decision. I wonder what it's like to be totally healthy and give opinions from that place of privilege (judgement). Oh to dream.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

bad day - and none of it was due to health!

Two years ago today I received a phone call that changed my life. I processed that this morning, doing the same thing I did two years ago at the exact same time with the exact same therapist.
Two years later I receive a letter that's having the same effect. Sadly, I hope it doesn't take the next two years to 'get over it'.

In the meantime, I'm regrouping and figuring out what I'm going to do. All that's clear right now is that I have to let go of this house, now. Thing is I'm a china-doll. I can't even carry a box down the stairs never mind do my laundry (involves 2 flights of stairs). I'll manage, I'm a survivor. I always have and always will.

Monday, June 13, 2011

existential

I've been struggling with existential angst since I got home from the trip that went wrong in March. I'm still haunted by the places I've never been and have always wanted to go to. I keep trying to figure out how I can re-do that trip. Keep recalculating ways to get to the four-corners and no matter what kind of stubbornness and persistence that I have, I know I cannot safely go there without causing real damage and that damage according to my cardiologist could be irreversible (death). I love life more than risking it to go anywhere, but I'm getting cabin fever. I cannot travel anymore. The entire world is now inaccessible to me. Even a driving trip to cape cod may be a bit risky. Heck these days it feels like driving to work could be risky. Thank goodness for portable refillable tanks.

just getting on with it.

So here we are two weeks into this new medication - an experiment - and I lost most of my weekend. I've spent the time curled up in a ball, in fetal position in tremendous pain, some of the worst in 18 months. If this type of pain continues (at the 6 month mark) I'm asking them to take this device out. I've lost count of the wicked palpitations. Many of which have taken my breath away.

I'm also gaining weight - which originally was a great thing for me, ms. skinny. However, I can't fit into half of my clothes, including some of my favourite dresses I made a few years back. I'm actually feeling big. I know I'm miles away from that, but I'm no longer "skinny". This is a little disconcerting because it's only been 2 weeks on this hormone. Hm.

Anyway, after the pain this weekend, I'm convinced that as much as I love this house, the decision to sell/leave is the right one. I could barely make it up the stairs. I can't keep avoiding going up and down all the time. So I've slowly been going through my stuff. Again. I did this a year ago, downsizing without direction. Today, it's a "joy" to get rid of stuff because now I'm making room for someone else. As I welcome my present/future, the letting go is getting a bit easier (although it's always a little tough to let go of much beloved stuff. We humans develop such attachment to our stuff, thinking we get comfort from it, when really it's the memories we are attached to).

Oh, ya, work.... has shifted. We finally got a new manager, which means I moved out of the main floor office I camped out in the past 3 months. I've moved to the basement which means I have to do stairs again, but it also affords me with more privacy (no window on my door). If I need to (during lunch or case notes) I can sit and suck on some O2. Thing is I'm usually in group or in session and don't actually have time. But the space is there and the tank is on me if I need to. I'm happy about that. I haven't told my new boss about my illness or at least, limitations, yet. I just updated her today of the colleague-harassment I've been experiencing the past 3 months. The last person that mentioned something about the condescending co-worker was let go. It's not government, there's no such thing as job security where I work. I took a risk. It's also weird because this boss was one of my students 10 years ago when I first started teaching at the college and was not yet trained in teaching nor did I have my masters at that point. Great first impression! And weird to have a former student (who was disruptive in class if I recall) as a boss.