Wednesday, August 15, 2012

full moon

It's going on two years since I started counting down the full moons. The things with doctors telling you how much time you have left doesn't actually translate - it's really hard to calculate how long one has - no matter how many times before it's been observed (read studied) etc. And every time I encounter something new about my illness it usually means that some doctor was wrong. I like it when they're wrong -except when they can't admit that some people know their bodies. I'm talking about my Dr. Cardio man here. He knows lots - OK he can't predict, he's a doctor not a judge. he doesn't make the final verdict about my life: only creator or some divine guidance does that. Here I'm talking about ER Dr.s and their assumptions about people, drugs, illnesses.

My family Dr. called me the other day and left a rather concerned voicemail in which she stated that she's read the ER reports and that they've indicated that I'm now in heart failure and that if I need to talk about it I could come in any time. I have to say, first, that my family doctor is a very dedicated lady. I've had her for over a decade now and she simply makes time for me even when she doesn't have time. But sometimes I wonder... only because I've been in heart failure for over two years now! I wonder how on earth the ER doctors missed that when I presented at the ER in Dec. with "I'm in heart failure with TA" (I know longer present the first congenital illness because 95% of the nurses I've come across have no idea what I'm talking about). So heart failure is much easier and it's true. It almost seems like when you know what you have (and you're this young) it needs to be confirmed. G-d forbid a patient is right about what they have.

Anyway, I digress (again) - this is about moon counting. So two years ago I happen to look at the full moon when I got out of the Heart hospital and saw that it was a full moon. When I tried breaking down the time to tangible bits I realized that 2 years is equal to 26 full moons. First things first, Dr.Cardio man never did actually say 2 years, however he did say a couple - we happen to interpret a couple as 2. It was indicated that seeing the age of 40 was not a likelihood. So, when la femme Francaise and I started dating it just so happened that we found ourselves under the autumnal equinox full moon (when Jupiter was most visible in the sky). From then we've been counting our moons. I rather like the adding up of moons than the counting down of moons I was doing over the past while. It makes me sad that I most likely won't get as many moons with her as I did with my love of my life. So, we make sure we are always together during the full moon. We may not have quantity but we're sure to have quality. We're stcuk in a society that values quantity. We give special announcements for marriages that last for 50 years but fail to recognize the quality of the marriage. What about those that last a mere few years - are then any less? Espcially when that person doesn't have another 40 years to live. Even la femme, as healthy as she is, will never be married for 40 years (unless she outlives most of us Candians)! Time is so redundant when it comes to connection. And yes, i realize that I myself made such a big deal about having spent a quarter of my life (or almost all my adult life) with my ex. Yes I get that's a significant about of time that does translate to quality. Because afterall, quality isn't always about the good -we went through some hell together: life loss, health loss, career loss, home transitions (cross-country-cultural) move. Lots of loss, and I am not regreting journeying through them with her -even though she is no where to be seen on the other end of this journey. Sometimes you just don't see another moon with the same eyes.