Wednesday, January 23, 2013

1 month ago

The visiting nurse came by today, with a nurse fresh off mat-leave. She was a tag along to get reacquainted with the job. They're both wonderful, in fact all the nurses are great. They are real, down to earth and able to talk about anything - not exclusive of symptoms. One of them suggested a book so I have it on hold at the library now. I did share with them that I'm quite fine being in denial (for now) as I don't have to miss me once I'm gone so why go through the agony now?

When one of them was listening to my heart my beat was irregular (as has been since a month ago (exactly, almost to the minute) when it needed a kick start again with atropine. I asked her how it sounded because I was curious if she could hear how I feel (or if it was my head playing tricks again). I was a little surprised when she reported to the other nurse that I had no pattern to my beats. She looked at my quizzically wondering if I was okay. I told her that it's uncomfortable, not painful as in tights, squeezing or heart attack type pain but just very uncomfortable. When you don't have a specific rhythm the feeling can be disturbing and very unpredictable. It's usually followed by a semi-black out or what I call a grey-out: when I haven't passed out but it feels close to it as the O2 decreases from my brain. In these times I usually put my head between my knees and try to breath it out.

Here again it's 00:08 and I'm still awake, fearing to got to sleep. I need rest but I want my day to last forever in case I don't get anymore days.