Saturday, January 19, 2013

Denial and random thoughts

Denial is so powerful... that it can be a choice. I've been reflecting a little about denial and it's usefulness. I could in essence choose to ignore what's going on and continue to be me: joyful, laughing, free, smiley, etc. I dawned on me that I don't actually have to grieve, because in the end it will be all over for me. Unlike everyone else who will be left behind to mourn the loss, I will be gone. It will be all done.
So why start crying now?
I did it in the hospital a few weeks ago and it clogged my cannula, I couldn't breath. So what good is all this crying, emotional turmoil? What good does all this "processing" work do for me, that one who doesn't have to miss anyone once I'm gone, because I'll be gone?!

Someone called me courageous recently. I think it takes more courage to feel those feelings, share the journey of loss that others are beginning to feel (and will continue to feel once I'm gone). I'm not courageous. I don't want to feel it all. None of it.

Ma belle asked me what I want for my 40th birthday in 49 days. I simply replied "life". She/we cried. I don't want anything, nothing at all. We can't take anything with us and so as much as folks want to bring me lovely "things" in the end, they're just "things". Material objects may serve as a reflection of love and care but they've never been able to replace the words!