Saturday, January 19, 2013

order - more random thoughts (fear of not getting it all down?)

People think that the Universe works in mysterious ways but if you start paying attention you'll notice that it works with a certain order. That order doesn't always make sense to us mere mortals who are limited to only 5 senses and one physical plane, but order exists nonetheless.

Take what's going on now. I've been living with this illness all my life. It's been getting worse - as any illness does. Yet, only chose to worse dramatically when I found a new love and packed an entire relationship into the span of about 2 years. This love story has been told before: newly married couple who had the time of their lives end so tragically and so young (both in age and in relationship years). Ours is not a new love story. We've seen it in films: in the recent past some non-hits such as Autumn in New York with my favourite actress Winona R (whom I apparently look like on side view, at least that's what one of my first ever ex's said) and Sweet November (with Charlize T). Yes' it's Hollywood but where do you think art derives it's ideas from. Art comes from life, life comes from art. Art if life and life is art. I get it, I'm an artist; a creator. I'm also a creation - we all are. And yet we forget that. We carry on like little ants on a mole hill... going to and fro, rarely taking time to slow down and bite into a ripe watermelon, feelings it's sweet stickiness dripping from our fingers. That's why i stopped eating pears some time back. I love pears, they are so much softer than apples, much sweeter too. However that juice would run down my hand, sometimes down my arm and getting everything sticky. I became one of the asleep for a while. It wasn't fun. It didn't last long as I am and always have been unique. I've always danced to the beat of my own drum, hummed my own tune and sometimes none at all. I think, or at least hope I've left some of that to those I touched. It's important to never stop enjoying the watermelon, or avocados or whatever your favourite fruit.
Never stop living.
That's why I've chose to have the Hebrew letters/symbol of life (Chai) on my gravestone rather than a mogen david - life is sweet.
What we're doing to life is horrible and I won't miss it. In fact I'm a little relieved I'm getting out of it all - gang rapes every 20 minutes around the planet; willfully destroying our precious home (earth/water); it's too much.
The Mayans were right - a new time is coming, people need to change or the end is near - not in a big-bang kind of way, but life as we know it. Well, that's true for me: life as I know it has changed. The same is true for those close to me: life as they know it is changing and soon I won't be in it anymore. I'm sad, sad because I wanted to do so much more. In the hospital my mother said I wasn't done here yet. There's only so much I can do mom: I can't change the world, even though I really wanted to when I was 16. My late teens, a time when I discovered that there was an entire world out there beyond the small suburban town I grew up in - my best friend and I (friends to this day) had so much fun while we were trying to change the world, protest (war in the middle east), save forests (temagami, clayquot sound, malaysian rain forest, brazilian rain forest), save Native Lands from being drowned (James Bay project), save ourselves (became vegetarian).
So much destruction in life for no reason - empires to rule? We're MORTAL folks. There's no dominion to be had over mortality. It's time to stop - too many people are suffering. Except me - I'm not suffering, I'm not mourning me. I don't want my life to end but I have no choice. I don't want to suffer and I don't want those I love so deeply to suffer.

There's order and I can't stop it. I know I will be dead before my brother and sister in law have a child. They had a miscarriage in August. It wasn't time yet for their child-soul to appear just as it wasn't yet my time. There's only so many souls in the Universe and it always happens, a birth follows a death - it just is. They have not yet announced that they are trying again, but I know, I know this to be true. (I "predict it" if we want to get all esoteric) It's not about woowoo though, it's the order of the universe. And when they do get pregnant, we will know just how little time is left for me. Right now I'm trying so hard to absorb all the thoughts being sent my way to get me to my 40th. 49 days is what the counter says on my smart phone. It's like a death sentence. I've joked with visitors that knowing me, I'll probably die the very next day - just because I'd pull something like that. But what would really be me if I still had the energy would be to see the entire year - just to prove everyone wrong again. However I just don't need to play that game anymore. I've done it all my life and it's shown everyone "I am strong". Next.

Take a bite, savour that juice from that ripe watermelon, let it drip, down along your hand.
That's life.... it's that sweet.