Monday, January 28, 2013

(Past) candidate for heart/lung transplant

I started cleaning out my office - it's going to take a long time since I kept much of my graduate work, articles, resources etc. You don't counsel/teach without having resources at hand. I realize that's what the Internet is for however I love the resources I've collected over the years.

I started with a small section - my legal and health records. I have a pile for the confidential shredders including my old housing papers, leases (what am I going to do with them in the afterlife?). Then I read my old health records. I will back track for a moment here and say that I've been keeping copies of my files for year now, going back to 1986 actually. in 1986 I had a double lung biopsy where the results indicated pulmonary hypertension. Records since then indicated that theoretically I was on a transplant list however each note added "she is currently too healthy" to be considered but will be an option when the time comes. So when did it jump from too healthy to too late? Why was this missed? Why were none of those options given to me, discussed at least? How could I have moved from that place to "too late"? I am monitored twice a year. Who wasn't doing there job? I am emailing my cardiac NP in the morning. I recognize that none of these questions or answers will change anything but I want some understanding. I am angry.
Devastated actually.
To think I could have had more...time, more love, more life!