Wednesday, January 16, 2013

sister reads

I wonder if my sister has started reading the book I lent her tonight. I wondered that as I finished the first chapter of the book she brought for me to peruse. In it I skimmed ahead to something the author calls a "death meditation" - a friend on mine taking yoga teacher-training this year also suggested that meditation. I did not do the meditation as I was done reading for the night, but I did read a few of the questions. In it it asked, what are your regrets. Funny that, as I wait for death, I think, I regret not writing more, not finding some way into my sister's life, perhaps to come together to co-author my memoires. I always imagined bonding over a big project like that. She's always wanted to write, I have always wanted my story out there.
I regret that.
Of course, I also regret not squeezing in a trip to San Fransisco last fall when we had the money and I had the time, but ma belle couldn't get it off. Would it have changed things? No, however I did want to see it, be amongst tall trees and just breath before my own breathing became so difficult.

There's so much going through my head and not enough time.
TIME
only time

My mom came by this afternoon and made me some tea. I pulled out some knitting, nothing in particular, just spending time creating something (which I may not be able to finish so in the end, it will be a waste of time). My mom commented how at least I'm not sitting in pity, doing nothing. Yes mom, I have a work ethic until the end: must be active and do something to show for it always. Yet it is helpful - maybe - to be using my time creating things to leave people. Then again, it really is not that helpful, feel the anxiety of leaving, never to do any of the things I like again. At least I get to see people when they come to visit, but visits are usually cut short as my energy wanes and as each day passes so does a little more of my energy. Passing, right before my eyes.