Wednesday, January 9, 2013

the start of the last chpater.

I started this blog on Tues. Jan 20th, nearly 4 years ago. Then I had hoped and prayed to get 4 more years. I really wanted to prove my dr. Cardio man wrong.
Today I am at home after a 17 day stint in our Heart Hospital. So much to update, so little energy. I hope to write everything that's been going on but I am now home, being covered by palliative care.

I had my first breathing crisis today - or what my family physician would call a breathing crisis. I felt like I was going to die in that instant. That's why I'm getting an Rx for morphine. It hasn't come yet and today would have been one of those days to use it. M scares me as it requires a needle - I hate needles, but I hate the sensation of not breathing even more.

I am not very ambulatory, and it's taking almost a day of rest to be able to spend a few minutes to type.

I quickly looked at entries from 3.5 years ago that stated I am not ready for this, and I'm still not. We've packed in almost an entired lifetime in one year (with travelling, activities etc. ) that I really wanted to give ma belle MORE. I can no longer do that. Sad doesn't even begin to express my sorrow. Watching someone go through this was one of the hardest things in my life - going through this myself is THE hardest thing in my life.