Friday, June 28, 2013

angel of death

Alright, now that I lived long enough to see the supreme court (in the us) make a ruling, and I may live long enough (keinehora) to see Cirque when they come to town in 2 weeks. I may even live long enough (keinehora) to see two friends come in from abroad. I now need to get back to the business of wrapping up. I haven't spent time in my sewing room in a long time: no sewing, no quilting. I did however finish yet another baby sweater recently for a (former) colleague but knitting just occupies my fingers while I watch the boob-tube. Rotting my brain on television is not how I want to spend my time left on earth. I don't have the energy to do much more - except to get up and cook dinner - which that takes up most of my day's energy. I look forward to friends' visits which had reduced, in part because it's summer and people are out of town, in part because the initial "crisis" is over, though I'm still in a palliative state. To the outside world, I'm still here and could be for a while. Many days I share that sentiment as well, then there are days like today (and yesterday) where I feel so tired, so down that I'm not sure what's left for me to do. I think about regrets and realize that some of my regrets include not "getting it all down" (writing as much as I've wanted to) - but then the exhaustion and fear kick in. I'm tired, my mind is not always clear and I'm afraid to get back to the spiritual essence of myself, because it is in that place where I'm more connected to the spirit plane and honestly that is terrifying. That's what makes going to sleep so terrifying. I don't want to disconnect from this plane. I try very hard to keep connected by imagining the silver cord anchoring me to earth. (In the old testament there is a passage about the silver cord theory, I cant' recall the book at this moment as this is what the fog does to me). I also know that's it's not ultimately up to me. I believe in organized chaos which means to me that everything happens for a reason, things are already written out (who knows, we could be someone's past) but that there's chaos because there's a greater energy at work called the universe that extends beyond galaxies. Atoms, particles, molecules, asteroids, meteors and falling stars are all uncontrollable. I'm not suggesting that I'm going to be hit by a meteor, not all all. What I am suggesting is that though I also believe everything is already planned, it's also not written in stone - there are several "outs". A wise spirit-friend shared with me that we do get a few outs. There are times where we are called (our number comes up to leave this plane) and sometimes, depending on the circumstances, we can say no. Then there are times when perhaps we have no more outs. Most of us don't actually know this on a cognitive level. I don't know how many outs I have left, or how many I've used up, with one exception. I have already taken one out. I have already had a visit by my angel of death. I know who she is, who she was in my life before she passed and why she came for me one night. This was not a dream, nor an hallucination. I did not "see" her or hear her. Her presence filled the room. No one knew about her. Not even ma belle. Cognitively her presence made no sense. On the spirit level I knew what she came. This was 6 months ago. I write this only now because the cognitive rational self made no big deal of it. Then, a few weeks ago a friend brought in a Reiki/energy practitioner from "the old country". After the session she told me who my transition angel is going to be (the one to help cross me over). Keep in mind she had no idea about what happened 2 nights before I went to the hospital. I have taken time to process this information - this practitioner knows nothing about me except that I was ill. She does not know my family, who is passed and who is still here.
Initially I was apprehensive to write about this experience - fearing men in white coats would take me away, then I remembered, I'm in the same field! When I read about other palliative experiences I come across similar stories - not that it makes it "true" but that it makes it not so strange. Nothing can make it "true" - with all of our science, we mortals are still limited in what we can measure, what dimensions we can access, etc. Unquestionable devotion to science is just another fundamentalist religion because our definition of science also changes over the course of history. I'm not a religious fundamentalist but I'm also not convinced that we know *everything*. We can't, we are mortal human beings, animals. We did not create the big bang, energy did. if anyone were to ask what my "higher power" is, I'd have to say it's energy or the universe, depending on the day. The includes everything from energy (E=mc2) of our divine spirits to the energy of scientifically proven molecules. To me it is *both* spirit and science and there's no reason to have a huge debate on why it can only be one. My physical body is coming to an end. The heart itself became just too tired to continue working. There's scientific proof on that (recorded on Dec. 23rd at 12:21am). My spirit is not yet tired enough to move from this container. Perhaps it's the energy of (my) spirit-matter/being that continues to mobilize this case. I have no idea, all I know is that I've seen the angel of death assigned to me and though I love(d) her (when she was physically present in my life), I really don't want to see her again for a long while.
I have no control over that.
I do have control over what I eat, the rest I get, the sleep I get (or don't get as in the case may be recently) and therefore still need to attend to all of that.
Perhaps now dear reader, you might understand why meditating, getting reacquainted with my spirit self and even going to bed, is scary.