Sunday, November 10, 2013

Jam

I'm spreading myself thin these days, like jam. There is a distinct difference between spreading oneself thin in the rat race and spreading oneself thin while under "palliative care". Currently I feel that being "all over the place" is quite healing. My interests vary right now, I spend parts of my day doing different activities but am content, nourished and rejuvenated. I wish this could last forever but I also know that I'm blessed to have what I have as most people, myself included when I was IN the rat-race, didn't have time to do the things they loved and see the people they really loved. I am fortunate to love and be loved by many individuals. I also recognize who is nourishing and who isn't. Just because mutual love exists, does not mean it is holy/wholly satisfying. I don't have tolerance for gossip, talking about or hearing about others' drama-filled lives. When I spend time with people, I want to know about them, their dreams, ideas and thoughts about the depth of their soul. Those who cannot journey there are still loved, however shallow the friendship may be. It often results in painful distance but the drama when I do allow it in my life is more than I can tolerate. It's a case of the lesser of two unfortunate circumstances. I've learned the hard way that you cannot change someone else, only yourself. Rather than attempt at changing how others behave around me, I strive at keeping my environment drama-free. It is my sanctuary after all. So I choose to spend my day in creativity.

I have come to appreciate the solitary time I have at home. Though I often go through bouts of loneliness, I cannot visit with people very day. I need time to sew, to write, to read. I am reading again (my concentration is back somewhat). I am still sewing for the children in my life. I am actually craving sewing for me again - though I often feel that it's pointless. I often think "I'm not going to need it where I'm going so why bother, it's just one more thing for ma belle to have to dispose of". I will be sewing myself a few heavy-fabric winter dresses. One piece to pull on, wear long-underwear underneath and I'm good to spend a couple of hours in the kitchen after my morning readings, meditations, sewing, beading or painting time. Cooking from scratch was a chore about a month ago but now that autumn has arrived I'm rediscovering the sweet pleasures of stews, and Mexican cooking. My cuñada and my trips to Mexico have inspired me to revisit the food I love so much. Though a heart patient, I realize I was fortunate to visit Mexico, not once but twice in my lifetime. It's a beautiful place with diverse culture and amazing food. In the depths of loneliness or depression Mexican (inspired) food will bring me back to life every time.

Anyway, enough about Mexico, I am happy to have the craving to paint again!